just a thought

I love my life

2008-06-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

My heart was so full that tears streamed down my face. I don't remember the last time I cried, because I was happy. Jaimie and Josh's wedding maybe?

I have never had a group of friends like this. I compare it to my college group of friends, but it's not. Maybe it's more grown-up. Maybe there's just no drama. Maybe because imperfections are embraced and celebrated. I don't know. But I adore it. As Kate would say, It's the sisterhood, boo.

I had a student come by my room every day this last week, and she would hug me and cry. I am going to miss you, she would say. You are like my school mom, she would say. And I could hold it together, until I was in my car alone. And then I would cry. I had a parent send one of the Assistant Principal's an email about me. My son loved her, she wrote. He was a challenge and she never treated him differently, she wrote. She should be encouraged to continue to love what she does so that her students continue to love English and school, she wrote.

I am encouraged. It's not a job; it's a mission. I forget sometimes how much bigger one person's voice and actions are. But I remember now.

live vs. love

2008-05-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

I hang out with two women who love their lives. We could be downing margaritas, licking salt off our lips, and one will say, “I just love my life.” And the other repeats laughing, “I just love my life.” And we laugh and we sigh. Or we could be walking out of a movie in the late afternoon on a Wednesday, planning for brunch on a Saturday, glancing at a storm coming, and one will say, “I just love my life.” And the other repeats but louder, “No, I just love my life.”

How do you know if you love your life? Do you just know? Is it the same as loving a boy or a friend or a pair of shoes? I don’t know if I love my life. I live my life; there’s not much of a choice in that. And I love moments. I know I love moments. But my whole life?

So I will continue to laugh with these women and sigh with these women and admire these women, and maybe one day after their chorus of “I just love my life,” I will be able to share their contentment.

what if

2008-04-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

What if I have to choose? God, I sound like my parents, “what if, what if, what if.” For a girl who likes to be in control, I sure don’t like making a decision. For a girl who doesn’t like change, I sure don’t like commitment.

some days

2008-04-15T12:21:00.001-07:00

Some days are like gynecological appointments: dreaded but necessary. Some days are stepping out of a bathtub: relaxed, refreshed. And some are secrets to a best friend: cherished despite the faults. And then some days, like today, are like the moment Sleeping Beauty awakes: foggy uncertainty followed by happily ever after.

Hip-Hop and Post-its

2008-04-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

You never imagined your high school teachers in the girls' gym after school working out to Hip-Hop Abs, but there we were singing along to "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" and doing moves called "the freak" and hooping and hollering when the men on the screen lifted their shirts to reveal their own hip-hopped abs.

I have post-it notes covering my desk, and they remind me of the apartment of post-it notes of long ago. But these are different. These have notes in bright colored marker that say things like "Ms. Hicks rocks" and "Ms. Hicks is da H.B.I.C." and "Yvonne loves Ms. Hicks" and "Ms. Hicks is a G" and "Markita is Ms. Hicks's favorite student" and "Ms. Hicks likes me more 'cause I'm the BEAST" and so on. And so I like these post-it notes better, and I think I will cherish this memory more.

I am starting to realize any new experience is worth the initial fear.

last week and present status

2008-03-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

So my dad had a stroke. A TIA, meaning there was no brain damage. He hasn't been the same since he's been home. He's now mortal, and we all know it.

So I was the last one hired, meaning I will be the first to go. Why can't the Universe or God or Fate follow my plans? They're nice plans; you should give them a chance.

Despite all this, I'm okay. I'm writing, which is always a good sign. My writing group lets me bring stories and chapters to read whenever I want. I had lunch in Dallas with friends that live far away and plans for trips to Denver and NYC to see them and another dear friend again. I have too much fun with friends from work who like political rallies and happy hour and museums and movies and brownies and inside jokes (God, how I have missed inside jokes!) and laughing and laughing and laughing.

Sometimes you just need to laugh. Laugh at it all.

bright orange penis

2008-03-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

It’s one of those days that you dreaded. You knew was coming, but still weren’t prepared. Someone drew a penis on the margin of a page. A bright orange penis. Maybe I am on the wrong track. Maybe I am being punished. What did I do? What did I do? There was no hope in his voice. What does he care? He is leaving. Maybe you will be able to come back. Linda would want you to. Bruce has only nice things to say about you. A bright orange penis on the margin of a page. I want to run out the door. What does it matter? What does it matter? I’m not coming back next year anyway. Maybe I just need a good exit. You won’t leave. We won’t let you leave. You are wrong. I am leaving. It isn’t over until it’s over. Well, it’s over. The bright orange penis told me so.

There are times

2008-02-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

There are times when all I see is the future. Blue water carrying me to shore. Words written and rewritten and discovered and loved. Miles in distance but close to home. Fear as preparation for joy. Smells and sounds and tastes and sights previously fantasized. Everything new in respect to the old.

As if holding a newborn baby: cradling, whispering, and waiting.

Keep Truckin'

2007-12-19T12:12:00.000-08:00

It seems impossible to reach like old age to the young. Steps are never big enough, rarely satisfying. And because I live in Texas, the cliche "I think I can" becomes "keep truckin'." This annoys me and makes me laugh.

The days I fantasize about quitting haunt me on days like this one. On my desk, ceramic stockings filled with candy, candles, cards, and candy canes wish me "happy holidays," and hugs squeeze me, a reminder there are fifteen-year-olds that miss me.

Response

2007-12-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

It is not about doing; it is about deserving.

Unable

2007-12-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

She no longer wore her seatbelt—unable to take her own life but providing God with invented opportunities.

Yesterday her parents had praised her life, revealing their pride in her choices. She listened, smiled, realizing that on the surface her life seemed almost perfect, like a snow globe: serene, confined, unaware of its own insignificance.

And she sighed, knowing her mother and father would die in her death.

god of an insignificant life form

2007-11-28T19:35:00.000-08:00

I am alone. The only sound is that which I create. I am a god of an insignificant life form. The oxygen pushing, expanding my lungs only flows, because I allow it. The rhythm of my heart only beats, because I demand it. But what if I were to turn my back like the other God I once knew? What if I laughed at the heartache, ignored the pleas, slept through the cries? I am, after all, the god of an irrelevant specie. Or what if I disposed of the life I rule, called for sacrifices to atone for the sinful organs, brain, and skin? What is loss when there is nothing to be found?

Twenty-Five

2007-11-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

Upon visiting a graveyard when I was younger, I noticed how close people die to the date of their births. So as always being one to find the glass half empty, I have this bizarre fear of death around my birthday.

Yesterday I arose to a head cold; always the cheery "good morning" you wish for. On arrival to work and after a brief complaint of my state, I was offered a zinc enhanced "Cold-Eeze," which up until this moment, I had never heard of. But I was desperate. For all I knew, my brain had liquefied and was now draining through my nostrils. I tossed the cold drop around my mouth with my tongue and started wondering what zinc is usually found in. I chewed the candy core and swallowed before considering if people can be allergic to zinc. And fearful my heart may stop at any moment from zinc poisoning and since I have been renting and watching season 1 of Bones, I safely tucked the wrapper into my pocket for evidence if I am found dead later on in the day.

I lived. Obviously.

This morning I awoke, and thanks to NPR revealing the date a moment after the alarm sounded, I remembered it is my birthday. In the aftermath of my Nyquil induced night, I started the usual morning routine without much thought of the day, but with the wish it was Friday instead. As I stepped out of the shower, my foot slid, and I flapped my arms wildly as if I had the ability to fly to save myself from gravity's nagging pull. And the only thought that ran through my mind was "I knew it; it's my fucking birthday!"

Again, I lived. Obviously. But the day is still young.

Friday, Seventh Period

2006-10-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

As I walked the short distance from my car to the side door of Kempner High School, the only thought in my tired, foggy head was “I hate this day. It hasn’t even started, and I hate it.” I didn’t want to walk through the doors. I remember feeling this way when I was the high school student, but now I am the high school teacher. I am the teacher, and I continue to feel trapped within the confines of the school doors.

My seventh period class doesn’t believe me when I note, “I want to go home too.” They don’t get it. I probably didn’t get it when I was in high school. I thought my teachers lived at school. They didn’t have a life or a history or a favorite television show. Well, maybe a few of them did, my favorite teachers. But the awful ones, the bitchy ones, the scary ones (all of whom I completely empathize with now), they never had lives. At least, I never imagined a life for them.

And this was a Friday, when the weekend is cheering me on, waiting to give me a pat on the back. Except, I had to take a five hour test this morning, this Saturday morning.

Once again becoming the student, I sat in the squeaky desk with my number two pencil, bubbling and writing to the best of my abilities. No, not to the best of my abilities, but to the best I could do on a Saturday morning, which was not even close to the best of my abilities. And now, I empathize with my students, my poor, sad students who sit in squeaky desks and bubble and write the best that they can do in the last period of the day.

in the last two months

2006-04-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

working.
planning a trip with my best friend. sonoma. wine. ducks. balloons. pillows. fireworks. i can't wait.
a decision that places fourth to eighth graders in my future.
a visit to fort worth to see lucy. she will be two on tuesday.
a bad cough.
chuy's every thursday night. guacamole with no lettuce on the bottom.
a wedding shower yesterday. a couple more in the coming months.
the realization of friends becoming old friends.
talks with audra.
audra buying a town house.
an interview.
an acceptance letter.
a couple trips to the beach.
a lifeguard class. stupid high schoolers. funny stories. five certifications.
house sitting. stuart and walter.
stomach virus.
and today, today is easter. happy easter.

saw me in half

2006-02-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

i continue to receive emails from the modern museum in fort worth. and it makes me a little sad. i want to get in my little car and drive all the way to fort worth and make my way down university drive and park and hide in one of my favorite places to hide. and walk around in one of my favorite places to walk around. and sit in one of my places to sit. and think and imagine and dream and smile in one of my favorite places.

"i'm in love with illusions, so saw me in half. i'm in love with tricks, so pull another rabbit out your hat." --jenny lewis with the watson twins

my head aches. stupid head.

audra wants to do something more "involved" tonight. i am still not quite sure what that means. i guess i will see.

i already have my favorite kids at work. the silly ones. the crazy ones. the ones who laugh at my jokes. the ones that say they see dinosaurs on the ceiling. the one named brian who says he "sees brians in my eyes." the ones that are missing teeth. the ones that try really hard and are still awful. the ones who sing along.

to do this weekend: sleep. buy birthday present. have silly fun with silly friends. read. run. swim. veg. laundry.

week under water

2006-01-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

again, i thought i wasn't going to blog anymore. and again, here i am writing.
i smell like chlorine.
i have met a lot of new friends this week. some are short and some are even shorter. one is a hispanic woman in her fifties with bright red hair and seven sons. one is a man who lives from paycheck to paycheck who likes to tell drunk neighbor stories and enjoys burping. one is a woman who compares dating to reading (but i am not completely sure why) and she has a tattoo of waves around her thigh and likes to tell stories about her psychotic ex-girlfriends. one is a tall, young, asian man who walks out with me every night and shows me the bamboo growing outside the building and we fight over the time sheet and watch out for flying tennis balls. there are others. the girls at the front desk who smile and yawn and smile some more. the girls who lifeguard and complain about being hot. and then, once again, there are my short friends and my even shorter friends, all of whom complain about being cold.
i have spent over thirty hours in water this week.
did i mention how i smell like chlorine?

but in a good way

2006-01-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

my eyes are sleepy.
now, i am the wimp.
the thing about work is that it is quite exhausting, but in a good way.
just like people say i am weird, but in a good way.

i wish friends understood.
it wasn't that many days ago. and now, the change.
i wish they got it.

audra wanted to celebrate with me.

i need to learn how to not apologize for my life and the way i choose to live it.
i need to be proud of who i am and the skills and qualities i do have.

not any ol' person could do this. not any ol' person could excel at this.

it doesn't make me lame or stupid or boring or unaccomplished.
i am just not you.

i hate that there is this rain on my parade.
i hate that i just used a cliche.

my muscles need to stretch.
yoga, here i come.
the thing about silence is that it is quite distracting, but in a good way.
the peace is addicting, definitely in a good way.

today.

2006-01-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

job.
happy.
relieved.
audra.
treadmill.
talk. talk. talk.
training.
children.
pool.
path.
see the light.
i think i can. i think i can. i think i can.
money.
goals.
positive.
future.
dreams.
silly me. silly me. silly me.

not great, but not so bad

2006-01-10T23:37:00.000-08:00

so i had a bad day. and then another. and another. and another. and another.
and then a day finally came when it wasn't so bad.
today my sister, mom, and i were startled when we witnessed a blimp flying over our backyard. a big one. and extremely low. and it had "outback" stretched across its side. before today, i never realized how funny blimps actually are. i like blimps.
i like yoga, too.
and high school talent shows.
i like my new friend--koala mitch.
and walking when i am talking on the phone.
i like my brown shoes with pink polka dots.
and chocolate chip cookies.

i don't know if i should send something. i don't think i have anything to say. i think i said it all. and it wasn't received well.
a lot of friends in love.
it's tiring to be happy for them all the time, when i feel so unloved.
b12.
flaxseed.
st. john's wort.
no drugs.
no doctors.
blah on drugs and doctors.
i have trust issues. you know, the i-have-a-hard-time-trusting-you sort.
i have self-worth issues. you know, the self-worthless sort.
he or she wouldn't say anything i don't already know.

i am a bfotb.
bfotb=best friend of the bride.
i am also a flwwngm.
i'll let you figure that one out for yourself.
i fold down the corners of the pages i like. if i could have one wish come true, it would be to do more than fold down the corners of pages.
imagination is my best friend. and my worst enemy.
so is the lie.
so is the pinch of hope continuously haunting my waking moments.
that last sentence was a wee bit over-dramatic--even for my taste.
i didn't think i was going to blog anymore. but i guess i am.

the music montage

2006-01-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

the music montage has ruined my life. i sit waiting. waiting for the music to begin, so that time passes. so that the hard times fly quickly and harmoniously away. so that highlights of my small, but steady successes are briefly shown on the way. the moments of loneliness are expressed only by the sad melody and whispered lyrics. the pains of struggle are blinded by the electric guitar and encouraging chorus. but there is no song. no fast forward. no quickened pace. no underlining beat. there is just silence. and the disappoint in knowing something exists--but only on a screen.

conversation

2005-12-18T16:12:00.000-08:00

"i'm lost. and maybe no one has noticed or maybe no one cares. but i am. i'm lost."
"i know."
"so, what do i do?"
"you have to figure it out for yourself."

hiccups

2005-12-14T22:17:00.000-08:00

i have the hiccups.
i was worried all day. and i couldn't stop thinking about it consistently for over four hours. i even prayed, and i don't usually pray. and i get it, you forgot. but i didn't.
no more boyfriend talk. no more.
i am sick of feeling lonely. and i think loneliness is making me sick.
i don't want a boyfriend.
blah on boys.
i don't want to need people. it makes me feel weak. and vulnerable. and, well, needy.
maybe the solution is simply mind over matter: i don't need people. i don't need people. i don't need you. or you. or you. or you. i don't need people. i don't need people.
is it working yet?
i think i am going to throw-up.
the hiccups stopped.

realization: the rejection factor

2005-11-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

after days--well, really, years--of this pain-in-the-stomach-self-destructive-psychotic behavior, i came to a quite interesting realization last night as i, yet again, found it impossible to fall asleep: i am terrified of rejection. out of all my many fears, rejection is at the top of that list. it is probably on its own piece of paper and everything. and it is possible to link every crazy thought my head produces and every silly act i commit to this fear. i could unhealthily recall times and places when i have been rejected--going back as far as preschool. and i have realized that i have continued to carry these things with me--adding to the mountain ever so often. and all this rejection, the rejection every one experiences in their life, i just can't let it go. and to avoid more rejection, i push people away, i quit, i make an excuse (i am not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, not compassionate enough, and so on).

and this realization completely explains why i doubt people want to spend time with me, when there is a record player running through the list of people who have chosen not to. it explains why i have been having such i hard time the last few months: between feeling like no one wants to hire me, a friend who can't make an effort to continue to know me, a boy who reminded me of someone i wish i could forget who i now think of more than i have in last four years, no wonder i am panicked and stressed out. it is all rejection. and so i prepare for more rejection, pushing people and plans and things away, even when i don't want to, even when it causes me to become physically ill.

so what do i do now? i have had this realization. so how do i change? how do i let the past go? how do i stop carrying around all the past rejection? how do i start trusting that not everyone will eventually walk away?

how do i convince myself that i am someone that is worth sticking around for?

i can't think of a title.

2005-11-23T15:24:00.000-08:00

john mayer trio shakes my eardrums into dance--they are my present obsession.
what do you think about ghana, africa?
you get to a certain point, and i think you have to just jump in.
tomorrow is thanksgiving.
the high will be eighty degrees.
my mom bought me a grey sweater today.
what do you prefer: grey or gray?
rosy-ring salad still needs to be made. it tastes better than it sounds.
i don't like the word caulk. so my dad continued to repeat it. i said, vagina and penis. and he blushed and stopped saying caulk.
diet coke calls.
i am going to answer.

breakdowns

2005-11-20T18:15:00.000-08:00

tally of breakdowns for this week: five.
tally of "almost" breakdowns for this week: four.
tally of panic attacks for this week: two. (note: new all-time high for one week period)
tally of screaming matches with my mother for this week: one.
tally of emails regretted for this week: two.
tally of how many relationships i have hurt--if not ruined--for this week: three. (note: also a new all-time record)

i am kicking ass this week, no?

i hate that

2005-11-19T20:13:00.000-08:00

i hate that i am having a hard time believing people this week.
i hate that i am feeling lost and lonely.
i hate that i am afraid that i am never enough...never good enough.
i hate that when i listen to your words or read your words--everyone's words--i only hear the voice in my head telling me to remember how great you lie--how great you all lie.
i hate that i want to punish myself.
i hate that i feel guilty.
i hate that i am sitting in front of this screen with tears rolling down my face.
i hate that my hands and feet are cold.
i hate that i just want to run away.
i hate that i know running away won't solve a thing.
i hate that i am high-maintenance, difficult, a challenge.
i hate that i don't want to be me.
i hate that i hate me.

words

2005-11-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

a conversation. a realization. the last time i will be disappointed.
a picture. a fear in motion. the first of many tears.
a call. a change of plans. this is too much for one to handle.

worry.
stress.
anger.
nausea.

words. tears. more words.

enough words.
no more words.

twenty-three

2005-11-13T21:40:00.000-08:00

today i turned twenty-three. and although there was cake eaten and presents opened, it really doesn't seem like my birthday today, and it's because it is the first time in five years that i haven't been with my best friends on my birthday. i love my family, and i really did have a great day. but my friends spoil me. i get an entire day--they pamper the princess out of me. and i love them and miss them dearly because of it.

here's to the past year. i hope i am a year wiser. and here's to another year. may answers be found and adventures had and may i continue to be surprised in this merry-go-round ride called life.

i did blow out all my candles in one breath, and i believe my wish will come true.

the sick poetry of it all

2005-11-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

for as long as i can remember i have been deathly afraid of snakes. i can kill a spider. i might swear at the sight of a roach or a mouse, but i get over it. no creature has evoked the kind of fear the snake has caused me to have. and the fear was highlighted and, now, exaggerated this morning.

as i stepped out of bed this morning, instead of stepping on the nice, soft carpet, i placed my foot on a snake. i jumped back into bed not knowing what my foot had come into contact with--what had just bitten me. as i looked over the side of the bed like a child looking for monsters, i saw a snake curled up in fight mode. i freaked out--quite the understatement. i yelled and screamed and called with all my might. i heard my mom yell up, "lindsay?" "MOM, MOM, MOM!!!" "what? what's going on?" she yelled back. "SNAKE!!! SNAKE!!! SNAKE!!!" "well, get out of there!" i jumped out of bed and sprinted to the door, looking back just in time to see the snake make it's way under my bed. my mom greeted me outside my bedroom door as i hysterically explained to her what had happened. "did it bite you?" "i don't know. i think so. i don't know." i started to cry; i couldn't stop shaking. my brave mommy found a shovel in the garage and stripped my room apart looking for the culprit, while i found the bite mark on my big toe--two red dots. my mom did finally find the snake--and that was the end for him. so with my foot elevated until we decided i wasn't going to die from snake poisoning, we both sat in the living room a little teary eyed and continued to shake.

it still gives me chills just thinking about it. and i start to gag and feel nauseous if i think about it for too long. so i am going to end this entry now. that is my story. what a way to start your day, eh? needless to say, i am not sleeping in my bedroom tonight.

not in the know

2005-11-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

when i was swimming laps yesterday morning the most random of thoughts crossed my mind--granted, a lot of random thoughts cross my mind especially when swimming back and forth, back and forth for an hour in a pool--but this one was especially random: i wonder what sarah's favorite ice cream is. then this was quickly followed by: i wonder what richard's favorite pie is. and: i wonder what abby's favorite part of her day is. and: i wonder what song is stuck in audra's head today. then: i wonder if stephani and rachael can paint walls in their new apartment; i wonder what colors they would choose. then: i wonder if carl has to wear a tie to work; i wonder how many ties he owns. and: i wonder how many push-ups michael can do in a minute. and this is when i realized, there a lot of random things that i know--and adore--about my friends, but there are also a lot of random things that i don't know. which is actually hard to believe considering how many rounds of "would you rather" we have all played. but i guess you can't know everything--no one, i think, really ever wants to know everything about another person. what would be the fun in that?

but i would like to know a few more things. smile.

the leather jacket

2005-11-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

today i cried because my mom wants to buy me a leather jacket for my birthday. i actually cried. now, it could have to do with the fact that i am awfully close to my period. but i think it also has to do with the fact that lately i feel like all i do is yell and scream and jump up and down declaring what i want, what i want to do, who i want to be, what i want to accomplish, what i need, what i expect--and i am rarely heard. i don't want a leather jacket. i am not a leather jacket kind of girl. and i am frustrated. i am definitely a frustrated kind of girl. so i cried. not in the spoiled-brat-i-want-two-ponies-not-just-one kind of way, but in the please-listen-to-my-words-and-don't-kill-a-cow-and-strap-it-to-my-body kind of way.

i wish i could rewind and replay last weekend. a week ago this very moment i was with my sarah. (sarah--today i watched a re-run of gilmore girls on tv and my jaw dropped as i realized that not only can we freakishly resemble paris hilton and nicole richie, but we are very gilmore girlish too. in concluding this, it made a little more sense why some people (okay, all that i know of) can feel a little overwhelmed in our presence: it would also be overwhelming to spend time with the mother and daughter duo.)

if i could, i would say: it's not worth it anymore. the ball is in your fucking court. this is me waving a white flag. why am i expected to return a phone call quickly but you can wait an entire week? the distance just isn't going to work. i can't count on you. i am tired of making excuses. if it was important to you, i would know it. you don't know me like you think you do. i will defend her all day, but i hate you for making me do it.

blah.

the last two days have been hard.

long post

2005-11-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

a string of pop songs play in my head. sometimes when i am all alone i sing them at the top of my lungs and pretend i am on stage performing in a sold out arena.

who knew a young man in d.c. could be pondering the exact life questions i have been pondering? i hope one of us finds the answers soon.

i am not a morning person unless sarah happens to be around in the morning. then i can talk and talk and laugh and laugh. i don't even mind getting up at six to have breakfast with her and richard. i mean, damn, six is early. but i love them that much. maybe when we share a duplex (pool house plan has now melted into a duplex plan) we can all have breakfast together at least a few times a week. that would be worth getting out of bed.

is it possible to feel like a failure and still have a good day? that explains my present state: failure yet overall content with my day. i don't think i have ever had such a day.

my birthday is in ten days. i will be twenty-three. that seems awfully young and oddly old.

sometimes it is easier to remain silent than to regret what was said.

today i sealed a few hundred small tiles. and i also applied for yet another job. i watched another episode of general hospital (trains collided at the end. and it just so happened that nearly the entire cast could be found on one or the other train. and the plot thickens.) and i yelled at my puppy to stop barking countless times. i thought about calling sarah, but thought i shouldn't disturb her in her great efforts to get work done, besides i just talked to her yesterday and i really didn't have anything important to say. i picked my brother up from school and sang mates of state at the top of my lungs all the way home. joseph laughed whenever i messed up the words, which actually wasn't too many time considering all the words in their songs. and then i thought, wow, imagine all the brain space i have used up for countless amounts of lyrics. i mean, countless amounts.

long post. but i guess it has been awhile.

i am laughing just because.

2005-10-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

snobbery. it is something i ponder quite regularly--thankfully in phases, but unfortunately the subject is presently on my mind. is it possible to be a better person due to snobbery? i always feel that in order to go against the flow i have to feel superior to the fish swimming down stream. i have to feel that i am right and they are wrong. if not, if i don't feel superior, feel right, feel empowered by such superiority, it is hard for me to do anything but follow the same ol' path as those in front of me. is that so wrong? does that make me a bad person? arrogant? selfish? there is this book by joseph epstein i constantly pick up at bookstores but never seem to buy. it is called snobbery: the american version. and among the lists of different types of snobs mentioned in the book, i am sure i am among them. and yet, i have never read enough to clearly identify what kind of snob i would be. but at least i know that i am not alone. but i am not quite sure if that is a good or bad thing.

while i was in austin at a grant writing workshop, i got to hang out with audra one evening. i love that our friendship is so secure that we can go without talking for a couple of months and are still able to have a great time when we are given the chance to spend time together. hopefully it won't be months before i talk to that girl again.

i am jealous. isn't that sick? i am actually jealous. definitely sick.

sometimes all you can do is laugh. laugh at your memories. laugh at your bad days. laugh at your failures. laugh at your wishes. because if you don't laugh, you will probably cry. and it is just too beautiful outside today to cry.

the two lindsays

2005-10-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

i have realized tonight that there are two lindsays. two distinct lindsays sharing this one body, this one life. not in the schizophrenic-hurry-lock-her-in-a-padded-room-right-away kind of way. but in a...a...well...i don't know...just in a different way. both have different dreams. different wishes. different desires. for example, one wants to jump around and swim lots and lots of laps and the other wants to pull the covers over her head and fall asleep. one wants to travel the world and the other wants to settle down in the comfort of family and friends. and these lindsays fight for control. sometimes they change power from one moment to the next and back again. and i wonder, how can i possibly contain and fulfill the wishes of both lindsays? i fear that one lindsay is the lindsay i am and the other is the lindsay i want to be. if that is the case, i don't know if i will ever be satisfied. ha, something the lindsays have in common: fear. the fear that they will always be afraid. what's that quote about courage? it's something like...courage is having fear and still acting despite the fear. so that means sometimes the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning is a courageous act for me. sometimes letting someone give me a hug is courageous. i have never really thought of love as a sign of courage. but how can it not be?

to sarah and richard, cheers to your courage. i love you both dearly. congratulations on your oh so happy engagement.

better

2005-09-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

better. much better.
rita did not blow my house down.
fort worth tomorrow. many kisses for lucy. hugs all around.
quite a few phone conversations the last few days.
an email here and there.
a new list created: what i want to accomplish before i am thirty.
more resumes sent.
a puppy trying to eat my colored lip gloss ends up looking like she put the lip gloss on instead. it was a good color for her.
no sodas today. i did it cold turkey. no patch. no nothing. well, tea. a lot of tea.
sigh of relief.
you know, God does really know what's best. why is that so easy to forget?
i still need to get my hair trimmed.
yes, much better.

monday night

2005-09-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

i am uncomfortable.
i feel gross and nasty and unworthy and confused and hurt and ugly. really ugly.
i went to church yesterday. why is it always the last place i find God?
i have a problem. that's the first step, right? admitting there is a problem.
fuck.
i need to get my hair trimmed.
i am obsessed with "the west wing." it is on the bravo channel almost every day.
i need to punch someone. or many someones.
the puppy is bigger now. she is silly and annoying at times and bites hard, but i love her, especially when she is sleeping peacefully on my lap.
my brother is my hero.
i am disappointed when i wake up in the morning.
i wish i could crack open a fortune cookie and the little strip of paper with tiny red words would answer my questions, solve my problems.
this would be the time to disappear. when i have already disappointed everyone. when i have already let people down. when accountability has almost disappeared. this would be the time to jump on a plane and fly away.
i am holding my breath.

yawn

2005-09-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

yawn.
i refused to put on makeup today.
emails to reply to, phone calls to return...and yet, nothing i want to say, nothing really to say.
i have a lot of mosquito bites. i do not like bugs that suck your blood.
a hint of a headache.
bath tub calling my name.
i have never felt so lost and so found.
yawn. causes my eyes to water.
maybe i should just get on a plane and figure it all out when i get there.
two weeks and three days.
a few more conclusions.
sleep is easy these days. dreams of my days have stopped. just sleep.
yawn.
but it is never enough. i am always sleepy.

too little words in the english language

2005-09-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

i can't sort enough clothes. i can't make enough peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. i can't give enough hugs. i can't listen to enough heart-wrenching stories. i can't tickle enough little kids. i can't chase enough kids. i can't listen enough to the sound of laughter. i can't unload enough vehicles with supplies--food, clothing, toys. i can't make enough funny faces, make enough funny noises. i can't cry enough when they, too, are crying. i can't see enough little smiles when i walk into the room. i can't feed enough people. i can't find enough hours in the day to sleep, when so many people are without beds.

oh the stories i have heard in the last four days. it brings tears to my eyes even now. to have stories told to me. to have men and women look into my eyes and tell me their tales. i will never be the same. and this goes without saying: they will never be the same.

the joy. oh the joy i have seen in the last four days. amongst the tears and the pain and the fear, there is the purest joy i have ever witnessed. the joy of a pair of shoes. the joy of a car seat for a seven month old baby boy named christian. the joy of a new two bedroom apartment for a family of eight after sleeping two nights in their four door saturn--all eight of them. the joy of a new stuffed animal--her only one now. the joy of running around on a playground outside. the joy of a hot meal. the joy, my joy, of a two and a half your old, my new friend tre, taking my hand and dragging me away saying, "miss lindsay play with me at park. park. park. please, park."

this, i was made to do. and i will wake up tomorrow and go and do it again. and again. and again. until there isn't anything left in my power to do.

praise God for inhuman strength in my poor, human body. praise God that sleep is an after thought. praise God for placing incredible, strong, brave men, women, and children in my life. for opening my eyes, for giving me a little shake, for the encouragement to keep going, and the patience to know i can't do everything--that i am small, but God is so big.

since the last time we met...

2005-08-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

last classes.
last exams.
degree in english.
hang out time with friends.
eye opening moments.
duh moments.
clarity.
tears.
singing rilo kiley with the girls.
magnets. gloves. purse. cool dot picture. cards. love.
party to celebrate my accomplishment.
goodbye to fort worth friends.
more tears.
slumber party with a best friend.
a lot of "the simple life."
laughter. a lot of laughter.
and cuddling. a lot of cuddling.
ticket to nyc.
a car, a plane, another plane, a shuttle, a train, another train, a subway, and a few blocks to see abby.
brooklyn. moma. central park. washington square park. union station. ice cream. bottle of wine. ted leo and the pharmacists. business idea. talks. great talks. stupid foot. beer and more beer. a guy named larry. an irish man by the name of jarleth. meals outside. dojos. dojos again. the n or the r. pier 17.
remembering how much i love new york city.
not feeling satisfied with a phone conversation.
flirting with a guy in the airport instead.
sitting next to a girl i went to high school with on the flight home.
feeling like no one gets it.
happy not to be there.
hard to talk. it's just weird.
missing abby.
endless internet searches.
liberty pooping on my clean clothes. i don't want a puppy now.
patrick (4) and andrew (2), with a broken arm and a little pig and a fat cat always in tow.
watching the incredibles three times within a twenty-four hour time period.
tonight's fortune cookie read, "you are good friend."

overall, i am good. happy. calm. a little tired. in need of a big shake. but...good. happy. calm.

accomplishments

2005-08-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

i think i did it, kids. i passed the point. i peaked. i am now on the down slide of the stress mountain. after my meltdown (well, meltdowns), after a few panic attacks and one big one that scared me almost to death, after the wondering, after the disbelieving, after the self-doubt, after it all...i am calm, relaxed, and haven't cried in three days (yes, i know that is amazing).

yesterday, i swam my two miles (3300 meters) in under an hour--58:40 to be exact. impressed? i am quite pleased with myself. i was hauling ass, and i wasn't pissed off or anything--i was actually happy. it was my summer goal, and i accomplished it.

brett's in town for a few days, so i am hanging out with him tomorrow. that will be a nice celebration for finishing my macroeconomics class.

so i realized yesterday that i am graduating. i am going to graduate. i am going to be a college graduate. now, i am sure some of you are like, duh lindsay. but it wasn't until yesterday as i walked under a beautiful sunset-lit sky that i actually realized it was going to happen. that i actually was excited. that i was actually proud of myself for this accomplishment. it always takes me awhile, doesn't it?

p.s. to all who i owe a phone call, i am sorry, but i promise it isn't in the far too distant future. i am a free woman after friday. a free woman who will have plenty of time on her hand. and i really, really do want to talk to you all.

just a little saturday randomness

2005-08-06T16:36:00.000-07:00

swimming helps me to clear my mind. only the sound of water. only the feeling of muscles working. of lungs pushing and pulling air in and out.

i am wearing a scarf in my hair that has bright, pretty flowers on it. the first time i wore this scarf debbie, abby, and i were going to see cursive--my second cursive show. do you remember that night, abby? sophomore year. listening to rilo kiley on our way to dallas. at trees. that psycho first band. the lead singer's fly was down. almost getting hit in the head by his flying microphone stand. then apple seed cast. cute bass player. competition for tim. you said he was too pretty boy for you. i agreed and happily claimed him--not too pretty boy for me. and then, tim. oh my tim. decided against the bass player. that was a fun night. and i shared it with two of my favorite women.

telephone calls at one in the morning because i can't sleep make me laugh. i did, in fact, eventually fall asleep--quite soon after actually. so thank you.

what is the deal with coca-cola zero? it is not quite coke, and it is not quite diet coke. it has a unique taste. and although i am not sure if i really like it, it has presently replaced diet pepsi from my daily caffeine intake.

hanging out with steph tonight. and we aren't going to spend any money. i feel like a good girl. i am not a good girl, but at least, i feel like one. i don't remember the last time stephani and i just hung out. i am rather looking forward to it.

oi. i just counted it out on my fingers. nine days left in fort worth. nine. days. left. crazy.

my ybba

2005-08-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

email from a best friend in a very big city causes my eyes to water just a little. i had forgotten how much i miss her, how much i need her.
good advice: "but you have to keep your head and think about what is really important and if [it] is really worth investing your time in."
good to know: "i know i'm not there so i have a different view and i'm a bit biased since i sorta love you and all..."
good to remember: abby is only an email or phone call or spontaneous road trip or plane ticket away.

time to move on

2005-08-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

for the first time, i am starting to realize that i do need to move on. it is time to go and see new things and meet new people. it is time to have a clean slate. it is time to make different impressions. it is time to grow-up. it is time to pop the bubble. it is time to get new perspectives. it is time to have new friends. to have new goals. to have a new average day.

everything just feels slightly off. conversations feel forced or completely unwanted. i am by myself mostly, but i don't feel lonely. i feel safe with only a few people, and even then, i don't really want to share much anymore. well, there are exceptions...

maybe i won't miss fort worth as much as i had originally thought. rachael helped me make a pro and con list for cities i am thinking of moving to. and i realized during this process, that no matter what--whether i stay in texas or not--i am leaving. it won't be the same. i am just no longer part of this college, tcu life. i am just an outsider, who will soon forget what is what like to go to classes everyday and stay up late working on papers and making runs to ihop at two in the morning and sitting on curbs and eating ice cream and pranking silly boys. soon i will forget all those feelings. and maybe that's okay.

"thought that i was young"

2005-08-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

something has to change.
oh wait, everything is changing.
debbie says that i fear being weak. i think i fear other people seeing that i already am weak.
if i just ran away, it wouldn't solve my problems, but maybe i would at least be able to catch my breath before dealing with them.
"no pills for what i fear" sings neko case. and i agree. "this is crazy. i wish i was the moon tonight."
i think i am going to vomit.
there's no one. there's no one i want to call.
and i wipe tears from my eyes. and wrinkle up my forehead.
i won't let God be enough.

please.

2005-07-31T15:57:00.000-07:00

sarah and richard, come back.
please.

silly girl

2005-07-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

home again, home again.

"the wise thing to do is to prepare for the unexpected."

i couldn't sleep last night. i think i received a grand total of four hours. espeically considering i was in bed for close to eight hours, the percentage of actual sleep is not happy. i even walked around my dark, quiet house for awhile at four in the morning. i just couldn't stop thinking. stop worrying. stop wondering. i couldn't stop planning. stop questioning. stop replaying. i couldn't stop asking. stop being frustrated. stop smiling. i couldn't stop wishing. stop rolling my eyes. stop imagining. i couldn't stop praying.

we'll see. we'll see.

i will be in the presence of two of my favorite people in the whole wide world in less than twenty-four hours. sarah and richard, hurry. be safe driving, but hurry.

i'm a silly, silly girl.

oi

2005-07-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

i blushed more times than i could count talking to debbie this afternoon. i couldn't even look at her. she called it confession time. oi. i don't usually blush. it takes a lot to throw me off. new goal: no more blushing.

rewind. play. rewind. play. fast forward.

i wished on an eyelash and blew it away.

i am one tired cookie. i think i will go take a bath and then climb into my cozy bed and dream, dream the night away.

i was wrong

2005-07-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

i locked myself in my bedroom today. certain that if i stopped spinning, so would the earth. certain that if i refused to look at the sun, it wouldn't be day. certain that if i stopped ticking, so would the clock. i was wrong.

a little affirmation was all i needed. so thank you.

you know what sucks about honesty? it makes you vulnerable. and you know what sucks about vulnerability? it makes you open for getting hurt. and you know what sucks about getting hurt? it makes you feel stupid for being honest.

and yet...knowing this, i continue to be honest. knowing this, i give you a little more every time. and today, i think that maybe i won't feel stupid in the end.

my least favorite part of being a woman: cramps.

now

2005-07-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

i can't even tell you how many times i have said "shit" and "no" in the last five minutes. so yeah, i thought i had until midnight to complete this past week's online class assignments. turns out it was due at midnight--as in the midnight that has already come and gone. it was only half completed. shit. oh well, i am tired. i could care less. i have cried today. i have taken a two hour nap. and i have tried to escape into the world of magic--harry potter, that is. it's not like i am going to fail the class or anything. i just...i just kind of wanted to do good. but right now, i think i want to go get back in bed more. fuck it.

rachael sent me an e-card that pretty much said i am nice and that she had fun hanging out with me last night. i had a lot of fun hanging out with her too. i don't usually get told i'm nice. i am usually told i am mean. so, it was a happy, welcomed change.

i actually enjoyed my macroeconomics class today. i thought it was interesting. weird, huh?

i am so exhausted that crying is easy. or maybe i am so exhausted because i have been crying so easily.

sarah and richard in five days.
goodbye to fort worth in twenty days.

tired girl

2005-07-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

i have spent the last forty-eight hours with family--some of which i hadn't seen in three years. they have fed me. jaimie has photographed their faces and feet. and i am now going to pass out from exhaustion. but wait, i have a zillion of pages to read and problem sets to finish and comments to post. sigh. i am happy jaimie drove up to fort worth, but i think the girl was trying to kill me. or maybe she was hired by sarah in hopes i would fail my classes and have to be in school this fall.

funny story: i got an "a" on my first macroeconomics test.

i have three weeks left in fort worth. three weeks. i haven't seen friends since thursday, which is oddly okay. i should get used to not seeing them often anyways.

my eyes want to close.

i couldn't fall asleep until after one this morning. i was thinking about emails received and emails sent. i was thinking about what cities i would like to live in. i was thinking about why i would want to live in them. i was thinking that maybe i am not as brave and gutsy as people say i am. i was thinking it would be easier if i just went home now and never came back. i was thinking it is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. i was thinking they won't know the difference. i was thinking that i need to fall asleep because i have to get up in the morning. i was thinking about "what if" and asking "why not." i was thinking about God's laughter. i was thinking my baby sister is not a baby.

this morning

2005-07-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

is it weird to email someone you are just friends with and ask for his ex-girlfriend's email address because you thought she was a cool person and think it would be a lot of fun to hang out with her? is it really all that weird? on a scale of one to ten? ten being super-crazy-don't-do-it weird.

i don't think it's fair that men can drive without shirts on but women cannot. i have seen two of these men in the last week. one at night after it was dark and the other this morning on my way to school. it wasn't like it was extremely hot. and it wasn't like these guys were underwear models or anything. though, that would be more interesting. smile.

from the portrait of a lady by henry james--presently with me at all times:
"not in the least. young girls here--in decent houses--don't sit alone with the gentlemen late at night."
"you were very right to tell me then," said isabel. "i don't understand it, but i'm very glad to know it."
"i shall always tell you," her aunt answered, "whenever i see you taking what seems to me too much liberty."
"pray do; but i don't say i shall always think your remonstrance just."
"very likely not. you're too fond of your own ways."
"yes, i think i'm very fond of them. but i always want to know the things one shouldn't do."
"so as to do them?" asked her aunt.
"so as to choose," said isabel.

locks of love

2005-07-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

my hair is short. like short-short. not quite felicity short, but dude, it has never been this short before. i cut off over ten inches. and it was kind of on a whim. i mean, i had been growing it out for locks of love, but i had no idea when i woke up yesterday morning that by three in the afternoon it would be gone. the hair dresser even said, "are you sure you want to do this? do you want to wait a couple more months and then come back?" but i said, "what the hell? just cut it now." and rachael was my beautiful witness. i wonder sometimes what my friends think of my "what the hell" attitude? even sarah said she couldn't believe i had done it. am i really that surprising? i have always wanted to be mysterious, but i talk way too much for that. but even richard said i am mysterious because what i do or what i say can be surprising. hmm. i don't know. maybe i just get bored easily. or maybe it is never that surprising to me because i really do think before i act, but don't express those thoughts sometimes until i am just about to act or have already acted. maybe that's it.

oh, and i really do like my hair short. i look perkier or happier or something. and my head is really light. and when i dance my hair bounces. and when i wake up in the morning it sticks straight up and makes me laugh. but i was colder than usual in the library today. so that kind of sucks.

behind my eyelids

2005-07-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

the room went black.
i think i will lock it up. and throw away the key.
it is overrated.
i could press stop. eject.
it is the fear. the fear of the unknown.

my heart went cold.
i think i will boil the joy. and let it melt away.
it is just a game.
i could lose. not play.
it is the doubt. the doubt that chains someone.

the fire went out.
i think i will revel in snow. and mock the purity.
it is a hard freeze.
i could create icicles from tears.
it is the fall. the fall slitting my throat.

my voice went mute.
i think i will not sing again. and hide in the silence.
it is my choice.
i could dig my grave. sweet bed.
it is the dark. the dark behind my eyelids.

la la la

2005-07-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

when i have so much work to do, why is it so easy not to care? maybe because i secretly wish sarah's wish would come true. my parents would kill me. they'd kill me.

i read "the yellow wallpaper" by charlotte perkins gilman today for the second time. i hate reading it, because i know what it feels like. i know what it feels like to lie in bed and know something is desperately wrong. to lie in bed and experience a world that scares me shitless. to pretend there is nothing wrong and to be told that nothing is wrong and to scream inside and write short, choppy paragraphs trying to escape what i can't control. but what controls me.

macroeconomics test tomorrow. do you see me? do you see me not giving a damn?

happy birthday, mom-mommy.

yeah, so i want to read the sixth harry potter book again. but i have promised to lend it to debbie. probably for the best.

for someone with no regrets, i sure play the "what if" game a lot.

how many more days before sarah comes back? too many if it's not today. and it's not.

it has been awhile.

2005-07-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

dreams visited by God.
emails.
talks to best friends so far away, but always close.
watching a crane lift and carry two port-a-potties from one destination to another.
three new cds. i have a problem. that's the first step, right? i've tried the patch. but it just didn't help. i'm addicted to music.
i figured.
swimming with debbie and lucy, the little fish.
talks with my aunt.
two new pairs of pajamas that my aunt insisted on buying me.
laughing hysterically with rachael.
harry potter number six. purchased by 12:08 am saturday. finished sunday at 4:38 pm. oh. my. gosh. it's ridiculous.
talking to jason longer than one minute per year. my heart's happy as i see them holding hands.
i have one shoe. one perfect shoe. one day i hope i have the pair.
thunderstorms all weekend. ah, beautiful.
orgasm talks with friends.
letting go.
there's a new standard. there's a lot to live up to. because i have the best of the best.
honesty.

expecting nothing. and receiving something.

always unpredictable. i've decided i like predictability.
an e-card from rachael asking me out on a date.

i should be more like the squirrel

2005-07-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

happy birthday, jaimie.
as i sat outside, i noticed the perfect little turtle my four-year old cousin hannah had drawn yesterday on the sidewalk. it made me smile.
"be like the squirrel, girl. be like the squirrel. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. give it a whirl, girl. be like the squirrel." good advice, white stripes. i should be more like the squirrel.
i have the itch. i need to go to a concert. bad.
i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. i wasn't surprised. this is now a regular occurrence.
i had another God-damn dream. fuck it. no more.
my brain is not a macroeconomics brain.
it's okay if you don't understand. it's okay if you don't have anything to say. i'd rather you didn't get it. i'd rather you didn't say anything at all.
is it too early to go to sleep?
holding hands. talking. laughing. knowing.
i wonder if abby now has an apartment in new york. the city's great, right?
it just makes it worse.
fuck.
i want to write something else. i want to say something else. but i can't. i need to, but i just can't find the words.
i'm twenty-two. that's too young to give up.
i wish i wasn't so overdramatic.
i wish i wasn't so outspoken.
i wish people would stop overestimating me.
lucy gave me kisses over the phone. we are bff's.
maybe i should send my two week friend notices. i am sorry. lindsay will no longer be able to participate in this friendship. she is tired. and frustrated. and psycho. and...and...doesn't deserve it.
please don't comment. not to this post.

it terrifies me

2005-07-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

it terrifies me that you are reading this.
it terrifies me that you're not.
that i can't fake it anymore.
that this is it.
that i lost.
that maybe i'll never win.
that life would go on.
that no one would notice.
that they would.
that i am losing control.
that maybe i never had it.
that i hurt myself.
that i believe the lies.
that i forget they're lies.
that you make me happy.
that i just want to sleep. and sleep. and sleep.
that i can't escape.
that i could.
that maybe i was wrong.
that i was right.
that maybe i deserve better.
that i have fooled you all.
that i will never talk to you again.
that i picture it.
that i pray for it.
that i beg and plead and cry for it.
that i thank You for not listening.
that i am too much.
that i am too little.
it terrifies me that you are reading this.
it terrifies me that you're not.

almost

2005-07-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

i almost went and bought a bottle of tequila.
i almost believed i was happy.
i almost let go of the wheel.
i almost cried.
i almost got over it.
i almost thought i was strong.
i almost wished sarah would have sent the sentence.
i almost drove home.
i almost don't care.
i almost ran out of gas.
i almost believed i had conquered this.
almost.

what did i do?

2005-07-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

what did i do? i must have done something incredible. if i believed in past lives, i would conclude i must have saved the world or found a great cure or brought peace to the universe or was completely selfless and sacrificed this past life for some greater cause. seriously, what did i do to deserve such amazing friends? i am in awe right now. my heart is happy and my eyes are teared with joy. these brilliant, brilliant people choose to be my friend, choose to love me. i must have been really, really good. or done something really, really right. or maybe God is just really, really good. maybe God is just really, really right. and maybe when you pray that you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, God opens your eyes, even gives you a little shake, and says, "silly lindsay, you are not alone. you will never be alone."

richard called me today to say he is driving to fort worth tomorrow to visit me. why? because he misses me. because he loves me. because he is a best friend. i didn't ask him to. he just wants to. i'm not on a list, something to cross off, something to deal with. i'm his friend. and he cares about me. and i bow my head, close my eyes, and whisper, "thank You so much. thank You so much."

morning

2005-07-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. not because i was tired. i wasn't. not because i was sad. i wasn't. i didn't want to get out of bed, because i knew i had to. this rebellious nature i have is starting to be annoying. live in the moment, linds. live in the God-damn moment. stephani, i hope you are having more luck with this than i am.

so today in my poetry class, this older woman who sits behind me says, "lindsay, you are the voice of reason." and later, "lindsay, i am so happy you are in this class. you make it so fun. you are so honest. not many people are like that." my thought, "tell me about it. i think i am too honest for my own good." but the fact i can openly discuss menstruation and the negative effects of the monthly period in a class full of strangers (half of which are guys) made me realize how much i love the fact that i am me. i love that i am brave. and honest. and have a take it or leave it attitude. i love that my face rarely turns red from embarrassment. i love that i have opinions. intelligent ones. and i love that i am gutsy enough to express them. share how i feel. because, hell, that's me. it's just me.

for sarah

2005-07-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

i talked to sarah for over two hours today. and the only reason i got off the phone was because i knew i would talk to her again tomorrow.
i wish i could go on our road trip. i really, really do.
i feel better. i feel happy. i feel loved. i feel special.
thanks for starting the bitch slapping brigade.
pool house, it is.
and lots and lots of puppies.
"why did you kill me, mommy?"
the only boy we're talking to is richard. we like richard. richard stays.
come. no one would ever have to know. seriously.
how mad do you think my parents would be if i took off two weeks before graduation?
maybe tonight we won't dream at all.
i don't want to be fifty before my dreams come true.
you're the best listener.
i just miss you.
we're mean. we're talkative. we're funny as hell. and we don't care if we're the only ones laughing.
grrrrrr.
one funny email and one mean email coming up.
i'll talk to you tomorrow.

thunderstorm

2005-07-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

i wonder how many of my friends know that i love to sit in the midst of a thunderstorm. it is probably on my top five favorite things to do. i didn't go to school today. i couldn't think of any good reason to get out of bed. and then around nine o'clock as i laid in my bed trying to sleep away, well, everything really, i heard thunder and noticed my bedroom was a little darker. so i jumped out of bed and made my way to the backyard. and i thought...

inhale. exhale. i love the smell of rain. i want the thunderstorm to take me with her. i pray for this. i close my eyes, and the wind lifts my hair. and for a moment i believe she has lifted me off my chair, and i am flying away. inhale. exhale. i love the smell of rain. drops of water cover the goosebumps on my legs. lightning strikes the ground close by so that the thunder sounds as i see the flash. i'm not scared. i just wish he had struck me instead. inhale. exhale. i love the smell of rain. the rain falls faster. i think that there is no way the aliens from signs would have survived on earth with rain falling like this. what were they thinking? inhale. exhale. i love the smell of rain. the trees wave at me, and i start to cry. i just want to be alone. why don't they know that? stop waving. stop waving. i'm not going to wave back. inhale. exhale. i love the smell of rain. warm tears collide with cold raindrops. i feel...i feel...i feel like an idiot. to think, i actually thought someone would like me back. inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale. i love the smell of rain.

2003 erin hills ct.

2005-07-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

i have a three-pound, six week old, black and white cocker spaniel on my lap. her name is liberty (libby for short). she is my new friend.

i have decided. i am going to move to omaha, marry tim kasher, and have little chemically imbalanced alcoholics.

i don't like having this feeling of hope.

i woke up this morning forgetting where i was, and then had an overwhelming amount of joy come over me when i realized i was at home in my bedroom. here the love is unconditional. here i am safe.

for lunch today, my family and i ate at hobbit hole cafe. i had the gandalf sandwich. it was yummy for my vegetarian tummy.

i have my phone with me--just in case.

i love my dad. compared to him, no one will ever be good enough. i now have too high of a standard for what a man is or should be.

"because i'll be the one, be the one, be the one with my heart in my lap. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. and i wish i was the moon tonight."

2005-06-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

honesty may in fact be the best policy.
i was tired of carrying the box, so i put it down.
i love little pussy (thank sarah for this one).
my family got a new puppy. i can't wait until tomorrow to see her.
neko case kicks ass.
my week long strike ended after three days. it was silly and psycho anyways.
i wonder when i will get my pool house. sarah? richard? at least, tell me in what cities i should be job searching.
it's really quite funny.
stephani owes me a dinner.
maybe i am gutsy. maybe i am brave. i think i like that.
you were so in the club. and i really don't let that many people in.
silence is not always golden.
there are too many trucks in texas.
six weeks and one day left of my college experience.
do you ever imagine your life as a movie?
maybe i will go write a song now.

my weekend sucked

2005-06-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

now when i check my email and it is just a bunch of crap, i smile knowing stephani is going to owe me a dinner. this bet i will win.

my neck is sore from sleeping on it funny. every time i turn my head to my right, i have to grab onto my neck and take a deep breath to ease the pain. you would think after the first dozen or so sudden head movements to the right i would learn? but alas, nope, not even close. are you aware how often a person needs to look quickly to his or her right?

i just need to listen to more angry girl music. it's soothing.

"red fucking light."

it's amazing what forty-eight hours will do to a girl.

after three and a half weeks of tearless days and nights, i sobbed hysterically twice in one twenty-four hour period. congratulations to me.

i am sick of men, of mankind. emphasis on mankind. i quit. i give up. that's it. the end. for real. no joke.

i swam my two miles (3300m) in one hour and five minutes on saturday. it wasn't too hard--had a lot of frustration and anger to release. now i just need to cut off five minutes from my time. it will be hard--not impossible. maybe there are good benefits to someone pissing you off.

i should learn to let things go. i should learn not to take things personally. i should remember sarcasm isn't the healthiest defense mechanism. i should remember God is right.

p.s. warning: if you call me, chances are i am not going to answer. i need a little time.

voiceless

2005-06-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

on the drive to houston, i saw a billboard that read: organ donors are better livers. i think the pun is intended...and quite disturbing.

it was the only reason i came back. i even left a few hours earlier than i had originally planned.

i am a selfish person. and i am so fucking sick of it. but is it even possible for a human to be fully selfless? is it possible to escape our selfish tendencies? i feel even my desire to be alive is rooted in selfishness. who am i to think i actually deserve or am worthy or have a grand purpose in being alive?

i am relieved no one took me up on my bet (see june 5th entry). i would owe someone one million dollars.

i need to stop watching soap operas. but it is so hard. where else would you hear someone say, "you are the one who lured him here with your stupid amnesia"? seriously, they really said that.

pre-talking to sarah: day was a day; borderline negative attitude; a shade lighter than pitiful. post-talking to sarah: smiling; sighs from being understood; looking forward to talking to her tomorrow.

give me an "o."

i wonder if somewhere amongst the heavens there is a large glass bowl filled with all the wishes i have ever made. the birthday wishes entangled in candle smoke. the shooting star wishes glowing with silver tails. the futile wishes painted in vanity and dripped in jewels. the panicked wishes shaking with rapid heart beats and sweaty palms. the voiceless wishes silently begging, pleading and ashamed.

a blur

2005-06-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

eyes are sleepy. want. to. close. them. must. stay. awake. a. few. more. hours. not pathetic. not. pathetic.

where did all my friends go? i think they should all come back. today i thought how interesting it would be to map the location of all my friends and myself to clearly show how everyone is everywhere and i am stuck in fort worth. sarah--indiana. richard--nicaragua. abby--nebraska. stephani--florida. rachael--washington d.c. brett--ohio. carl--louisiana. michael--macedonia. me--alone in fort worth. blah.

i have made some life-altering decisions this week, but i'm not ready to talk/write about them just yet. hence the lack of blogging.

abby called the other night and left a message saying, "i have so much to tell you, so much has been going on." she sounded really happy. i think there is a boy.

swimming update: yesterday i swam a 3000m in one hour and three minutes. not bad. not great. but not bad.

i sit in tucker technology building every monday, wednesday, and friday and read between my classes. and every time i wish sarah, richard, and brett were sitting with me like they did all last semester. sometimes i even look up from my book to see if they're coming.

i had this crazy dream last night (i know, what else is new?). people were diving off this really high diving platform into a lake. i walked up to the platform after watching friends dive off, after judging my friends' dives. but when i got to the top, i couldn't dive in. i was too scared. i thought they would judge me too. i thought my dive wouldn't be as good as their dives. finally, i dove in. and my body went deep into the murky water, scraping against the lake's bottom. i kicked and pulled my way to the surface. i was so proud that i dove off the high platform, but them someone said, "no, you didn't dive at the height we all did. we put the platform down to a lower level." as i treaded water, my face fell. i felt foolish. i felt like a baby. i felt like a loser--a feeling i despise.

when is it too early to go to bed?

decisions

2005-06-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

i have decided that i will no longer be self-deprecating. i will refrain from calling myself or thinking negative words and phrases. and this is why: it is a lose-lose situation. first, it is hard for me to like myself and take care of myself when i am constantly putting myself down. not healthy. not healthy at all. second, i think people assume when i say negative things about myself that i am actually doing so to have affirmation in whatever it is i am negatively pointing out. in truth, i don't want affirmation and when i do get it, i don't believe it anyways.

i have decided that i will no longer apologize for what i say. i mean sure, if i hurt someone's feelings i will apologize for hurting that person's feelings, but what i say rarely, if ever, is said to hurt someone (i just think those things, not say them out loud). what ends up happening on a pretty regular basis then is that i am apologizing for being me (if that makes sense). when i say something random or out of place, sometimes i'm like "sorry. ignore me." but i am random and out of place (note: this is not putting myself down but accurately describing my weirdness, which i do indeed like about myself). or when i ask a question that i want to know the answer to, i won't apologize for asking. if that person doesn't want to answer, they don't have to answer. i don't answer every question i am asked, and i am never insulted when someone takes a "pass" on a question i ask. i mean, i am nosy, but i do respect privacy (note: again, not an insult, just the truth about myself).

i have decided that i am going to swim two miles (3300m) in one hour. i came to this conclusion yesterday after swimming a 2500m in fifty minutes. but this was only week one back in the water, so i have complete faith that this goal can be reached. i am quite excited actually.

notes from my day

2005-06-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

i admire women who can walk around the women's locker room without clothes on. these are women without the hollywood ideal body, but they do it all the same. no inhibitions. simply, confidence.

my poetry professor helped me to realize today why i have been listening to so much bright eyes lately: in my patternless world and fears of a structureless future, i have been listening to the most patterned, structured music i know.

today in my film class, we watched frankenstein and halloween. and this is what i learned: never try to be God; always make sure you use a "normal" brain instead of an "abnormal" brain when creating a monster; if you are horny, you are going to die; if you don't wear a bra, you are going to die; never drop the weapon after assuming the masked villain is dead; turn on the freakin' lights; if you hear a noise, it's best not to search for the cause; if you are responsible, you will live.

on my way home from school, i saw a man talking on his cellphone. but he was being the responsible driver--he was using the headphone-thingy. but his hands weren't on the wheel, they were flying around telling a lively story. for some reason, i found it very endearing.

i wish friends would come back. i miss them.

place random but clever title here

2005-06-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

this morning as i was putting on make-up at the rec center after my swim, a country song echoed through the tiled locker room. the woman sang a refrain with an alarming southern accent, "every time i think of cheatin', i just imagine you leavin'." and i wondered, how often does a person think about cheating on their significant other to provoke an entire song on the matter?

emails from friends equals a happy heart.

instead of writing my still unwritten poetry paper that is due tomorrow, i read a book for enjoyment in my aunt's backyard in the blaring sun. so now, i have quite a bit more freckles. welcome to the party, gang. i have always liked freckles. they are kisses from the sun. my dad says, "they are cancer in the making."

i find it disturbing how chlorine is able to withstand soap. i should smell like soap. clean. fresh. but instead i still smell like chlorine. mmm, sexy.

i have been listening to a lot of bright eyes. so much so that in my head the lyrics and instruments and pretty average melodies are rolling around in my head making it hard to distinguish one song from the next. i am not sure what this says about my mood. with other bands, i can wholly pinpoint my emotion by what is on my stereo. for example, the good life means (usually not always, of course) that i feel lonely and am fighting the societal pressure that i need to have a love interest in my life to be completed. or another, mates of state means i am either extremely happy or i want to be extremely happy but presently not. but with bright eyes, it's hard to say. maybe i am trying to figure things out, work things through. and maybe listening to someone trying to do the same thing is soothing. maybe that's it.

home

2005-06-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

i was only going to swim a 500 meter warm-up.
the chlorinated water sends goosebumps down my arms, down my legs.
cap covers my curls. goggles protect my soul.
push off the wall with force.
stream line.
dolphin kick. dolphin kick. dolphin kick. dolphin kick.
stroke. kick. stroke. kick. stroke.
breathe in through the mouth.
slowly out through the nose.
i am at home.
i have always wanted to be a runner. which is ridiculous. i am a swimmer.
this is my home. i am safe. i am confident.
thoughts leave. just the sound of water.
flip turn.
my heart beats faster.
i pull myself through water that glides down the length of my body.
flip turn.
reach the 500 meter mark.
can't stop. flip turn. keep pulling. keep kicking. don't stop.
600 meters.
breathe in through the mouth.
breathe out through the nose.
700 meters.
kick. stroke. kick. stroke. kick. stroke.
home.
800 meters.
notice a man in the lane next to me.
i race him.
850 meters.
beat him.
easily.
900 meters.
pick up the pace. i am not going to stop. can't stop.
1000 meters.
twenty minutes.
but i can't stop.
1100 meters.
i remember when i was ten years old and my swim coach made me swim the 200m individual medley. i didn't want to. i was scared. i had to race against three boys. i was afraid i wouldn't make it. afraid i would lose. my coach made me. i started to cry on the starting block. my goggles fogged from tears. dove into the water. butterfly. backstroke. breaststroke. freestyle. finished. i won. i beat the three boys. i beat them. i remember i am strong. i remember how i can overcome fear. i remember i can win.
1200 meters.
my muscles aren't tired.
i have to keep going.
1300 meters.
flush my thoughts. drown my fears.
float on this high.
1400 meters.
kick harder. faster.
1500 meters.
breathe in through the mouth.
breathe out through the nose.
1650 meters. one mile marker.
keep going.
can't stop.
push it.
1700 meters.
second wind.
speed up.
pull with force.
1800 meters.
body in control.
mind is free.
1900 meters.
breathing every stroke.
lungs tired.
but i am not.
1950 meters.
one more.
kick. pull. kick. pull. kick. pull.
2000 meters. forty-five minutes.
finished. i stopped. wished i wasn't tired.
pulled for another 200 meters.
not wanting to leave. not wanting to get out.
but i have to get out. i can't live my life under water.
i remember my sister and i playing tea party at the bottom of our neighborhood pool when i was little.
i smile.
pull myself out of the water.

thoughts i am trying to get rid of

2005-06-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

what if i pulled a felicity and followed a guy i don't know across the country?
i can spend the rest of my life alone. i just don't want to.
i wonder if desperation is of God or the devil.
i start two new classes tomorrow.
i am afraid of what i will find in england. i am afraid of what i will leave behind.
don't die.
i am scared richard is right.
i am tired of chasing. i just want to stand still.
i should take a nap.
i should take a shower.
i would get married tomorrow if someone promised to take care of me. and that scares the shit out of me.
i should go play the piano and sing.
i don't want a spiritual leader.
i wish it wasn't always all or nothing with me. i wish i wasn't so passionate. so spirited.
i wish i didn't think so much.
average. normal. yep, that's what i want to be. boring. that would work too.
i bet you a million dollars i won't get a phone call. one million.
i want to say the thunderstorm woke me up last night. but really, it just kept me company.

memorial day weekend

2005-06-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

sarah pointed out to me that if someone read my blog that didn't know me outside of these entries, i would appear to be quite unhappy person. and although i have my unhappy moments (and i hope i just have the average amount, but then again, when have i ever been average?), i believe i am happy the majority of the time. stressed out, sure. frustrated, quite regularly. but happy none the less. so here is my list of highs from my memorial day weekend.

listening to good music all the way to austin--and not even caring i went the long way that added over an hour to my driving time by sitting in traffic.
talking and laughing and receiving hugs from my family.
sitting on the huge porch of my grandparents house looking out over lake travis and the hill country.
walking down to the marina in the rain.
playing keep away in lake travis with a ridiculously huge beach ball.
treading water with my brother as my dad, mom, and josh dropped my sister off at shore so she could go number two behind a bush.
closing my eyes and soaking up the warm sun. my cheeks are now pink.
watching how much my parents love each other.
staying up with my brother and laughing as we came up with random phrases we should put on t-shirts.
hearing my mom say, "i wish you were coming home with us."
driving back to fort worth in time to take part in sliding down an enormous blow up slide into a pool of water with my cousins and their kids.
talking to abby and finding out she now has a cell phone.
hannah sitting in my lap as the kids and i watched jimmy neutron.
stephani sitting on top of me so i wouldn't leave her house.
playing scrabble and talking to a friend.
playing an electronic basketball game thingy and beating a friend.
talking to sarah on the telephone.
a cook out with friends.
making up the green ball game and knowing how good of friends i have when rachael and chris humored me by playing it.
stephani and i kicking ass at the newly wed game.
playing four on the couch until three in the morning.

and maybe that's okay

2005-05-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

i didn't go to class. i was so close. just a few steps away from the doors of reed hall and i turned around and walked to the library instead. i can't sit in a classroom for three hours. not with four hours of sleep. not with a heavy heart. not with an upset stomach. not with my head full of thoughts and yet, so empty of solutions.

i yelled at God last night on the way home from the park a bunch of friends were at to spend time with michael and denny before they leave the country. it was two in the morning. and i started yelling. well, first i sang at the top of my lungs. then i yelled. as tears rolled down my face, my glasses fogging from the hot salt water, i yelled. first in an angry, bitter kind of way. then in a confused way, in an i-want-to-believe-again kind of way. in a this-is-how-you-made-me-what-else-do-you-expect kind of way. in an i-deserve-nothing-and-want-more kind of way. in the park, my friends circled around michael and denny to pray for their summer mission trips. and as they bowed their heads, i wanted to step away. i didn't feel safe in this group of people who are supposedly my friends. i couldn't pray with them. i couldn't even bow my head because i didn't agree with what they were asking from God. of course, i want michael and denny kept safe. of course, i want them to learn and grow. but i couldn't even open my mouth when it was my turn in the circle to ask for that. because i wouldn't have been praying to God. i would have been praying to them--these people, these friends with bowed heads and closed eyes. and so, i just couldn't do it. there were hugs to follow the amens, and i played my part, stuck to my role. i couldn't leave fast enough.

fuck you. i don't need to be treated like crap. i do a fine enough job treating myself like crap. i don't need your help. but thanks anyway. this self deprecation. this self consciousness. this self loathing. oh, it's all me. i have mastered that game. twenty-two years and counting. so, who the hell are you? i want your attention, but i don't want it that bad. so, i guess i have grown up. i guess i do know when to walk away. i don't want to, but i now know when i should. you know, i'm a cool person. i'm a good person. i'm a loving person. i'm weird. and crazy. and loud. and sometimes i am sad and sometimes i am happy. i am passionate. and i am strong. and i love to laugh. and love to smile. and i am loved. but maybe you don't know that. maybe you don't. and maybe that's okay.

go fish and old maid

2005-05-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

i have three chapters of world geography terms to look up, and i don't want to. i have another test on friday, and i don't want to take it. i am tired. i just want to play with friends. and talk to friends. because the second wave of them are leaving next week. and i may not see them ever again. and i still don't know how i feel about this. do you know how people use the expression "it just wasn't in the cards" or "maybe it's in your cards"? well, i want to take a peek at these cards. just a little peek. i want to see if i should calm down. get excited. be patient. start preparing. i just want to take a peek at these all-knowing cards. i asked God to show me. i think i actually heard a laugh. God laughed at me. "that's not how it works," God says. i say, "i know, but i thought i'd ask anyway." i try not be angry at God. i try not to be frustrated. i need to be patient. i know this. God knows this. and yet, again i whisper, "please, God. please. just one little peek. really, what could it hurt?"

ten hours with friends

2005-05-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

i told carl that i loved the way hannah (my four year old cousin) looked at me. she looks at me like i am cool, amazing. her face falls when i have to leave or she has to go home. she wants my attention. she fights for my attention. she makes me feel special. carl said i was cool and he acted like a little kid for awhile--jumping around, talking in a high pitch voice, asking me what i wanted to play. it made me smile. and laugh.

i swore i wouldn't play magic again. but i did. and i beat michael and brett. but then i lost. i should learn to quit while i'm ahead. but it just doesn't seem right.

rachael, michael, carl, pratt, and i ate at this indian restaurant last night. we saw this guy wearing a shirt that read, "horn if you're honky." carl and i couldn't stop laughing. later, after many comments made by me--in my post-dinner high--about people losing limbs, rachael and i decided we should make a shirt that says, "i like limbs." it would be a cool t-shirt.

the question: would you rather never talk to me again or talk to me every day for the rest of your life? it will be forever unasked, unanswered.

sometimes the scariest things in life are when you realize that maybe you don't want something as much as you thought you did or when you realize you do want something more than you had originally thought.

makes me

2005-05-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

talking to two best friends on the telephone makes me feel a little more assured, a little more sane. i love sarah. i love abby.
buying pretty earrings from a random guy who likes good music too makes me smile. so now i am going to the "coolest place in fort worth" on tuesday.
watching the end of american iron chef with my aunt makes me laugh, makes me thankful. one guy made veal sorbet. that is so wrong in so many ways.
packing workout clothes to take with me for after class tomorrow makes me realize punishing myself benefits no one. they are in this little pink bag next to my backpack.
hearing my dad say he misses me makes me tear up and wish i was home celebrating his birthday, makes me remember how much i am loved. happy birthday, daddy.
studying for my second world geography test in less than a week makes me feel small and spoiled in this big world and rich country, makes me wonder if i'll know more places when watching alias. did you know that kazakhstan is a country? a pretty big one at that?
jamming to the new pornographers on the way to study and back makes me want to sing and dance along. so i do.

every night, every morning

2005-05-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

every night as i wait to fall asleep, i am overwhelmed with a sense of hope. i make a list of all the goals i will accomplish the next day. i tell myself i will be a better person. a stronger person. i even talk to God. thank God. try to listen to what God has to say. i become giddy in this idea of a new beginning. of an entire night of rest preparing me for this new start.

every morning when my alarm wakes me up or when i naturally rise, i am overwhelmed with this sense of dread. i make a list of all the things i have to accomplish, when i just want to stay in bed. and hide. and dream. the reality sets in that i am not a better person and i don't have the strength to try. i curse the sun. i curse God. i'd rather close my eyes and dream my life away. at least in dreams i am happy. i am free. i am the person i want to be. i am not afraid. of an entire day of noise begging me not to press restart.

no more

2005-05-19T14:34:00.000-07:00

no more boys.
no more magic. no more day dreams. no more waiting. no more kissing. no more hoping. no more instant messages. no more holding hands. no more phone calls. no more what ifs. no more mistakes. no more guessing. no more butterflies. no more frustrations. no more flirting. no more dark movie theaters. no more car rides home. no more smiles. no more hugs. no more talks. no more silence. no more broken hearts. no more pranks. no more feeling unworthy. no more.

no more girls.
no more drama. no more gossip. no more jealousy. no more phone calls. no more hidden messages. no more cattiness. no more passive aggressiveness. no more frustration. no more competition. no more comparisons. no more fights. no more hugs. no more clubs. no more gag reflex. no more fake perfection. no more feeling inferior. no more feeling ugly. no more.

stranger

2005-05-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

have you ever walked passed a complete stranger and wondered what their story was? today i did. i walked passed this man on the way to my car after my summer school class (world geography--blah) and i wished i could ask him who he was. my cousin's daughter, hannah, said to me on sunday, "lindsay, my mommy told me your name, but i don't know you." i asked the four year old, "what do you want to know?" hannah replied, "i want to know you." and i wanted to tell this random man in the suit and tie that i wanted to know him. what does he do for fun? what is he afraid of? what was the name of his first pet? is he married? does he have children? what did he dream about last night? when was the last time he really laughed--the stomach-cramp-sore-cheeks kind of laugh? and what was so funny? if he could live anywhere, where would he live? has he ever done drugs? broken any bones? favorite sport? favorite color? favorite band? i wanted to ask him, do you believe in God? in love? in destiny? i wanted to know if he was happy.

God's plan

2005-05-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

tonight at stephani's graduation party, her mom asked about my plans once i graduate in august. it is the most commonly asked question right now, so i have an almost robotic response--i give the highlights with a fake excitement to hide my terrified-i-don't-want-to-grow-up-don't-make-me state. then stephani's mom told me about what she ended up doing after college and how she met stephani's dad. she said the pieces just fell into place. everything fit together perfectly. and when she said that, i thought, i have no idea what that feels like. but i am not sure if that is really true. but in terms of being able to look back on your life and say, oh, that's what God had planned. or, oh, that makes perfect sense. i just haven't seen it. i know i am supposed to be this person right now. i get that. i get that i am supposed to meet people when i meet them, and say goodbye when it is time to say goodbye. but i don't get it. i don't see it. maybe i'm not supposed to. maybe i am supposed to have faith. but faith is hard right now. i have to trust. and i have trust issues.

and then i watch jaimie and josh. and i smile. maybe it's because i felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude for josh because he loves my sister, respects my sister, takes care of my sister. maybe it's because i had so much fun hanging out with them. but i smile. i really respect him. i respect him as a person. i respect him for the man he is and the man he wants to become. and i am really happy they are together--and probably will be for quite a long time.

unpacked and dreams

2005-05-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

i wish i was a witch (instead of a bitch). if i was a witch my room would be packed. i would have all my items--some of which haven't been used in years--fly in my room in perfect order and fall neatly into their designated boxes. but i am not a witch. so my bedroom isn't packed. i haven't even started the kitchen. and my parents and brother should be here around six. and my mom will not be very happy. not happy, indeed.

last night i had a string of extremely crazy dreams about my friends. the first one was with sarah. we were traveling around the country in a bus like paris hilton and nicole richie (yet another reason not to watch trashy television--but it is oh-so funny). and we would stop and do these crazy stunts and say silly things and giggle for no reason. and i said, sarah, this is ridiculous. and she said, no, it's hot. maybe we should buy a bus, sarah. it's the only part of my dream that we don't already have or do. the next dream was with brett. he decided he wanted to be a professional break dancer. and i said, brett, you can't. you just signed up for seven years of active duty with the army. and he said, i'm going to run away to canada. and i said, well, if that's what you really want to do; i guess you should go. and he told me he would write and i told him i'd see him later. the last one was with abby. she called and told me that i should move to new york with her. and i thought she was right. so i packed a bag and drove to the airport. but when i got to the airport, they wouldn't let me on the plane, because my hair was dyed. and i told them that it isn't permanent. i told them that it will wash out in thirty washes. but they still wouldn't let me go. they said it was against airport regulation. and i was so pissed. i started yelling and crying and then i started laughing at the most ridiculous rule i had ever heard. i decided to come back after thirty washes.

spasm

2005-05-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

i just woke up from a short nap. but i had time to dream that i got drunk and told him everything.

i need to learn that ignoring or avoiding a situation or a person is not the best way to deal with things. but i am not sure when i will learn this.

my head is pounding.

i haven't studied for the rhetoric test i have at eleven thirty tomorrow morning. but i just don't care. it shouldn't be too hard anyways.

i keep reminding myself that in three weeks it will all be over. but i don't want it to be over.

i am a spas.

it's alright

2005-05-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

death cab for cutie sings, "i need you so much closer."

this morning--well, afternoon--when i was getting out of the shower, i noticed my towel smelled differently. it didn't smell like me. it smelled like someone else. like someone else had used my towel. my pink towel smelled like someone else's shampoo and conditioner. like someone else's body wash and face soap. i breathed in my towel. and i wished i smelled like that. not me.

"can you tell me why you have been so sad?" they sing.

i should be a lot more tired than i am right now. i didn't go to bed until five this morning. and then i had trouble sleeping in. i just haven't wanted to sleep, which is really unlike me. i usually don't pass up an opportunity to sleep. maybe i just rather be hanging out with people. talking to people. because they are leaving. and then i'm leaving. and so sleep sounds ridiculous. and school work sounds like a missed opportunity.

it's okay that i am not nice. i'd rather be honest. i'd rather be interesting. i'd rather surprise you. it's okay that i am not good. i'd rather be me. i'd rather be entertaining. i'd rather surprise you.

i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life either. i just try not to admit it. to think about it.

fuck.

ted leo and the pharmacists sing "it's alright" for over two minutes straight. and i start to believe him.

today's highs and lows

2005-05-10T03:40:00.000-07:00

slept until ten o'clock this morning.
drove over to school to drop off my last ever spanish assignment--it was my take home final exam.
yelled "adios" to my spanish professor and pretty much skipped out of reed hall.
came home and burnt ten cds for friends and family.
went and hung out with debbie and lucy.
received looks of disappointment. was called mean. was called pathetic.
met stephani at borders. bought this dan chaon book that i have wanted. it just came out in paperback.
decided to work on paper and eat an early dinner at panera.
unsuccessful. so we went to the library.
brett called.
went to boys' apartment to finish paper.
started and completed a ten page chaucer paper.
had fun talking to brett.
watched this crazy break dancer on brett's computer.
came home to find sarah was still awake. it was one thirty in the morning.
we went for a french fries run. she remembered that the last time i had eaten french fries was with stephani earlier this semester.
talked about our days.
now it's three forty-eight.
waiting for brett to email me his paper so that i can look over it. i don't think i'll be much help.
guys next door outside. i can hear them, but don't understand what they are saying. probably for the best.
tomorrow i am not doing any work. good feeling. hopefully people will want to play too. hopefully they will be able to.

one twenty-seven

2005-05-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

it is after one in the morning. and i should go to bed. but i can't. there is something wrong. there is something wrong and i need to tell someone. i need to write it down. but i can't. i am supposed to be a writer. this is what i want to do. write. but i can't explain what is wrong. i can't use the small amount of words i have to explain. i can't string them together in perfect patterns to paint you a picture of my feelings. of the thoughts in my head.

there is a postcard that was sent to postsecret that reads, "i use sarcasm to hide how ridiculously vulnerable i am." it wasn't my postcard. but it was my secret.

every day i look at the map of london i have over my desk and wonder if i will actually be there to see the real thing. to walk the streets i am starting to become familiarized with. to visit the modern art museum that i now know how to get to.

he didn't call. but i don't think i wanted him to.

today my bracelet broke. and when it happened, i felt this overwhelming sense of sadness, of fear. i felt like something bad was going to happen.

when i drank last night, my thoughts stopped. or maybe they continued, but i just didn't care what they had to say.

the word "frush" means to want to get to know someone better as a friend. stephani argues that there is no such thing. that either frushes lead to crushes or started off as crushes when frush is used in regards to the opposite sex. maybe she is right. i hope not.

debbie didn't call to make sure i was okay. i know she was busy. but it still makes me want to cry.

if you promise i'll have sweet dreams, i'll believe you. but you can't promise something like that. you just can't.

weekend.

2005-05-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

friday.
sarah, rachael, stephani, sarah, and i drove to austin to see rilo kiley. they were awesome in concert--as usual. but they are becoming so popular, so mainstream. so the crowd wasn't that cool. but there was a pair of lesbian hobbits. at least, that is what they looked like--they were extremely short and making out. on the drive to holly's house (steph's cousin), we continued the concert by playing the rilo kiley songs that we all love but they didn't play. we had the music turned up really loud and screaming the many words at the top of our lungs. it was awesome. then we found a papa john's for dinner, but found that the pickup lobby was closed at ten and it was midnight. so we scanned for the number on the building and the delivery cars--hoping they would deliver pizza to our car in the parking lot. but there was no number to be found. then we saw a delivery guy coming back, and we rolled down the windows to ask for the number, but none of us could. we couldn't stop laughing. finally sarah was able to scream, "what's your number? we want pizza. we don't want to date you." this pizza guy totally thought we were five drunk girls in a small car trying to order pizza. but seriously, we were as sober as ever. and that made us laugh even more. good news though, he let us order pizza.

saturday.
sometime friday we all came up with the plan to dye our hair. so on arrival back to fort worth, we collected the things needed for the evening--hair dye, margarita mix, beer, and stopped at the boys' apartment to collect brett's tequila. we came back to our house and started dying and drinking. so, turns out, after a few margaritas and a couple shots of tequila, i was feeling the effects of alcohol. i'll just say it: i was drunk. and we hadn't had dinner, which totally didn't help the situation. i felt like this awful cliche. this sad girl who gets drunk just because. well, just because she is sad. i was tired of thinking. and i didn't want the drunk feeling to go away. so after being a happy drunk. i shut myself in my room, turned off the light. and started to cry. letting myself cry. maybe i didn't have a choice in the matter. sarah came in--one of the best friends i have--and we just talked and cried together and laughed together and she said and did all the right things. a little later, stephani and sarah convinced me to go to the boys' apartment. we sat in the car for awhile before going in, which was good because i ended up throwing up outside. i felt quite a bit better--if you can imagine. we went upstairs. i got a glass of water. and i told sarah i was going to go back outside for awhile. i needed fresh air and not a room of sober people. it wasn't ten minutes later and i came back in. brett was nice enough to make me tea (it was his tequila--he was smart enough to figure it out). and then we ended up playing magic, which was actually really great of him. i really didn't want to sit in a circle of people and try to convince them i was sober, when i wasn't. i started to feel so much better (even beat brett again, before he killed me twice). i ended up staying at their apartment after everyone left--finishing our third game of magic and then making a competition out of whatever we could. for example--throwing the remote control that has velcro on the back at the sofa to try and get it to stick. we ended up throwing it all around their apartment. yes, ridiculous. and yes, i say "ridiculous" a lot. it was fun.

oh and my hair is now a dark auburn--so completely unnatural.

the rules i live by

2005-05-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

one. always follow the syllabus.
two. never trust what i say.
three. sarcasm makes everything better.
four. mocking you makes me happy.
five. my favorite word is fuck.
six. if i am mean to you, it means i like you. so smile.
seven. i have to win. the word "truce" is not in my vocabulary.
eight. i will always beat brett at magic.
nine. the word "zee" is in my vocabulary.
ten. i dig kids who spend nights in jail. and ride bicycles to work.
eleven. tim kasher: any place, any time.
twelve. i am a liar. i hear liars go to hell. so, yeah.
thirteen. i am going to london, damn it. don't ask me when. don't ask me why.
fourteen. i hate pickled things.
fifteen. i love my sister, who helped me write this blog.

i promise i am not boy crazy. it's just that boys are driving me crazy.

2005-05-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

the good life concert.
it ended up just being me and stephani that went, which i think turned out to be the best thing possible. it seems like forever since we were able to have a conversation. a real lindsay and stephani conversation. we got lost again on our way to the club in denton. it shouldn't be that hard to find a music venue. steph and i saw tim kasher as we were leaving the bathroom as he was walking into the men's room. so we waited near the restrooms for him to come out, naturally. but besides stalking this incredibly sexy man (okay, seriously. last night--holy crap was he ridiculously sexy), stephani and i continued to talk before the bands started playing. these girls behind me were also highly excited to see my tim. damn, competition. then i heard the guy in front of me say, "i would fuck tim kasher." damn, more competition. that's all i need. oh, and this drunk girl started playing with my hair. "you have beautiful hair, " she slurred. "thanks," i replied but scooted closer to steph.

library.
congratulate me. i am now a graduating member of the carl hates me club. carl and i are actually friends. i saw him in the computer lab today, and i was just going to say a quick "hi," but we ended up having a really good conversation. nothing deep. but enjoyable and easy. and it made me really happy. i am really glad we are friends. it took us nearly four years, but hell, at least it happened.

fiction class.
turned in my final portfolio this afternoon. then four people read some of their writing to the class. it is part of our grade. sean read today. and as he stood there in his dark purple hoodie and tight blue jeans with his hands shaking from the nervousness of reading in front of the class. i found him incredibly endearing. and when he yawned a couple times in the middle of reading his own stories, i laughed. the entire class laughed. but he kept on reading. i don't know why i find this person so fascinating. so endearing.

on my way to rhetoric class.
i have been running into daniel a lot. and for the first time in two years, after all the confusing/frustrating/weird crap that happened between us, it hasn't been awkward. it's actually been kind of nice. and then i worry, has it been nice because i have felt lonely lately. or has it just been nice. or is it even nice? maybe it has just been not weird. which is nice. okay, you get my present confusion. anyway, i run into him today and he says, "i keep seeing you everywhere. maybe we should hang out." and i say, "that's funny. i've been thinking the same thing." which is true, but i had actually come to the conclusion that we shouldn't. so he says, "okay, when do you want to hang out?" and i say, "i don't know. whenever." and he says, "what are you up to tomorrow?" "oh, nothing much. nothing in the evening," i reply. "you want to hang out then?" "sure," i say. and we exchange phone numbers. and as i walk away i think, "what the hell did i just do?" and then i can't tell sarah, because she'll laugh or slap sense into me. but maybe i need that. well, now you know, sarah. i feel like an idiot. but i kind of want to hang out with him. if nothing else, to get some closure and maybe a nice reminder of why it was weird to begin with. as if i need a reminder. i'll let you know how it goes.

tonight.
after one beginner's luck game of magic with brett and richard in which i beat them both. we are playing again tonight. no one will help me this time (okay, richard would probably help me), not that i really want help. and all my smack talk will be laid to rest, especially considering i don't think i remember how to play. as brett keeps reminding me, he's going to "mop the floor with me." whatever the hell that means.

withdraw

2005-05-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

lying in bed, i considered how far i could get. i have my passport with me here at school. if i went ahead and printed out the papers i have written, i would only have incompletes in half my classes. i thought about what i would take with me: cds, the few books i have been waiting to read, my computer to write, maybe a picture or two (maybe not). i thought about what i would leave behind: my cell phone, friends, family, trash in my trash can, unfinished papers, untaken final exams, the to-do list next to my bed. and then i remembered it was sunday. the bank is closed on sunday. i wouldn't be able to withdraw my savings.

listening to my phone ring, i began to cry every time i cleared the call. not because someone was calling, but because i didn't have the strength to answer it. i didn't want to talk; i couldn't talk. and then i would cry more, terrified. terrified that i'm not okay. not as brave as people think i am. not as sane as i claim to be.

watching my motionless ceiling fan, i thought about taping a note to my door that would read, "i need to be alone right now. thanks." or maybe i wouldn't add the "thanks." but then i remembered that i am never alone even if i did add the sign. i can't be alone. i can hide all day in my room. i can hide all week in my room. but my brain keeps working. my thoughts twirl and tumble and lie. my thoughts demand attention, demand an audience. and so i listen. i trust them.

"it's okay. i'll be okay," i half-heartedly whisper.

by the morning i'll feel like shit

2005-04-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

"if you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it 'til you're blind? and if you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right? why are you scared to dream of God, when it's salvation that you want? you see stars that clear have been dead for years, but the idea just lives on," conor oberst sings on my stereo. i think he has a point.

i think i want to cut all my hair off. like really short. like felicity short. it will probably be ugly. but maybe that's not a bad thing. maybe if i cut my hair off, the symbol of femininity, i won't have girlie feelings. i won't want to fall in love. i won't want to fall into my pre-ordained gender role. i won't feel trapped, chained by my hair. maybe i won't be this over-dramatic.

i just threw a crumpled piece of paper at my trash can. i missed. damn.

i spent six hours today working on my rhetoric 3000-3500 word paper. i finished it. it's about 3200 words. about nine pages. two papers down, one to go and one porfolio left. hell, maybe i will actually get all my work done with limited stress.

"when everything is lonely i can be my own best friend. i get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection. the mask i polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit," conor sings. i agree.

friday night ramblings

2005-04-29T23:23:00.000-07:00

"we started laughing 'til didn't hurt. we started laughing 'til it didn't hurt. we started laughing 'til it didn't hurt. alright," the good life plays on my stereo.

mean thought: i hope they aren't having fun.

i was outside this morning when the cool front blew through fort worth. it was humid and in the eighties one moment, then the wind blew, the air smelled differently, and it was dry and cool. i took a deep breath. smelled the new, cool air. it was beautiful.

"you're no, you're no, you're no fool," tim sings.

i took a three hour nap this afternoon, because i was up until two-thirty stealing boys' license plates and sending ransom emails. and then i got up early to take my last spanish oral exam. i think i did okay despite the lack of sleep.

i don't like the word "oral." it may, in fact, be my least favorite word. it is just yucky.

"you're not you, you're not you anymore. you're not you, you're not you anymore," tim sings.

the plan is to get up early and be at the library when it opens--nine in the morning. it is going to be a long, boring saturday. on the to due list: rhetoric ten page paper, chaucer ten page paper, and work on writing portfolio.

i am waiting for laundry to dry, so i can go to bed. my room is a mess. sarah and richard are having a mini gilmore girl's marathon in the living room. it makes me happy that they are in the same house i am in.

my brother called me last night to tell me he is going to be the president of ffa at school next year--and he is only going to be a junior. what a stud.

"i swear to speak the whole truth. nothing but the truth," tim sings.

maybe it's because i'm tired

2005-04-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

i want to be in lincoln, nebraska tonight. i want to dance around to really loud music (gently because of abby's gimpy leg, but dance none the less). i want to tell her about all the little things i file in my head under "tell only abby." i want to give abby a hug. i want to talk about new york city and nyu. i want to read my newest short story to her. i want to laugh about nothing and everything. i want her to make me some famous abby concoction to eat. and maybe it will make my tummy feel better. and i promise, abby. i promise i will try anything you make.

i want to care that i have my last spanish oral exam tomorrow morning. but because it is my last ever, i don't care. i won't care whether i get a good grade or not. i just want it to be over.

i want to know why people want to talk to and spend time with certain people. i want to remember that i am pretty damn cool. and that i have friends. and i have people who like to talk to me and spend time with me. and screw you, if you are not one of them. and i want to apologize for saying "screw you." but i won't.

i want you to stop reading this now. i want to start a blog that no one i know reads, so i can be completely honest without being mean, or rude, or selfish, or a bitch, or myself.

i want to go to sleep. to dream under my comforter that everything i want comes true. maybe it's because i'm tired, but i want a lot. and yet, it doesn't seem too much to ask for.

post-it note bandits strike again

2005-04-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

we are awesome. and yes, we got caught. but i really think we wanted to. we wanted to see the looks on their face. we wanted to see michael climb on top of the roof of their apartment to see what was meant by the male caller's advice: "front door. now." we wanted to see the guys open the post-it noted package (post-it note bow and all) of all the stuff we have stolen for months. we wanted to see them scan the parking lot. we wanted to see carl jump on the hood of my car, spread eagle, as we shrilled and tried to drive away. we wanted to see the look on brett's face as he blocked the gate and used a flashlight to shine in our faces. i wanted to witness brett stealing the back license plate off my car--as i sat alone in my car yelling, "okay now i am sorry i volunteered my car," out my slightly cracked window. we got away. we always do. they tried to get us back the same night (morning): oreos, plastic wrap, and vasoline on our cars. they also stole the remaining license plates off all the cars--rachael, stephani, and sarah's. but sarah and i caught them in the act. and we each have a license plate remaining. all in all, it was pretty lame of them. it didn't even take five minutes to clean up. and they got caught. okay, yeah. so did we. but we stole things for months without being caught. we win. we totally win. and the war isn't even over.

oh. and i am a tired girl. i wasn't in bed until after four this morning. oh. but it was freakin' worth it.

on my mind

2005-04-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

well, i am back in suburbia. home of the tree lined street, the s.u.v., and the standard two-story brick house. driving through my neighborhood (or is it now my parents' neighborhood?) i couldn't stop thinking of the multiple conversations i have been having with richard about the television show desperate housewives. we even went so far as to compare the show to kate chopin's the awakening. but really, my frustration isn't necessarily with the show (okay, maybe it is), but my frustration is with our society who produces shows like this under the umbrella of showing us "the real life" we lead, and instead of tearing down gender roles, they reinforce them. yes, these women are screwed up. characters have to be in order to have conflict, but women are still portrayed as conniving and subordinate to the men in their lives. and people see this show as empowering to women! they see it as women claiming their own sexuality! sleeping with your underage gardener so that you don't have the urge to kill yourself, but staying with your husband who makes a lot of money is not empowering. it is sick. this woman is presented as trapped as edna is in the early 1900s novel. we are supposed to have progressed.

another topic on my mind, sean, who i have mentioned before, is not as cool as i thought. i thought originally his short story we read in class was creative and imaginative and he used the style of bret easten ellis to present this make-believe world. well, it turns out his sex-with-a-stranger-to-get-back-at-his-girlfriend-cocaine-induced-stupor-and-objectifying-women-and-egotistical-pretentious-main-character is a true story. and he couldn't wait to tell the class. in fact, he told us a few times. such a disappointment. so not only was the style of his story unoriginal but the story wasn't even imagined. and not only that, the main character, also named sean (!), kept saying, "fuck bret easten ellis for glorifying sex and drugs in the rules of attraction." well sean, he wasn't. ellis wasn't glorifying anything. it is a satire. he is pointing out the pathetic and disgusting habits of the eighties college culture. someone cannot describe characters and events as ellis does and expect the reader to glorify this horrific images. i thought sean was smart enough to realize that. wrong again. i need to stop building people up in my mind that i don't even know. and for this reason, i never want to have a long conversation with tim kasher.

sunday's shoulds, wonders, and wishes

2005-04-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

i am supposed to be working on a paper right now. oh, it's the story of my life. i don't think i am actually going to be able to write all the papers i have to write before this semester is over. my last real semester of school. scary thought. happy thought too.

i am supposed to be writing about chaucer's troilus and criseyde. i am supposed to be writing that troilus was not the typical, romantisized knight because he is feminized and has a hard time having an erection (no pun intended), which is a mark for an unheroic, immature, and worthless knight. i am supposed to be writing that pandarus could possibly be seen as a kind of sex therapist for troilus and criseyde. did you know they actually had sex therapists in the middle ages? who knew? not me. until having to write this paper, that is.

i am supposed to be working. typing. having enlightening thoughts. but all i want to do is go to bed. sleep. and sleep. and sleep some more. "don't wake me i plan on sleeping," postal service now comes to mind. i wonder if brett is finished with his chaucer paper. i wonder if he remembered to do it. i wonder if he would be willing to finish mine. i wish my cd player was a little closer. i'd put a cd in and turn it down low to play me to sleep. i wonder if abby is working tonight. it's too late to call her house. i wonder if she'll get a cell phone when she goes to new york. i wish she would. i wish she had one now. sarah and richard are in the other room. i wonder what they are talking about. i hear their voices. i wish they would come and talk to me, distract me. maybe i will go and talk to them, distract them. i should be writing this paper. but it just so easy not to care.

sanity is key

2005-04-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

cursive is still playing on my stereo. pretty loud. but i feel a lot better. maybe because it's friday. maybe it's because i spent the entire afternoon with debbie and lucy. maybe because i am starting to realize that i am actually going to make it to the end. and the end isn't all that far away. i have also realized that it is okay to make working on my short story a priority and spanish not one. i plan on writing for the rest of my life. in english. not spanish. i have also realized it is okay to want to be alone. alone time is good for me. it makes me happy. it keeps me sane. and sanity is key.

listen to me

2005-04-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

cursive is on my stereo. really loud.
fuck.
can i go a day without crying this week?
fuck.
i shouldn't talk to friends in nebraska. i just miss her more.
fuck.
i want attention. i want someone to care.
fuck. shit.
i think i'm going to throw up.
fuck. damn.
listen to me.
i am sad.
i am lonely.
fuck.
i want it to be about me.
shit.
i almost ran away yesterday. twice.
i regret my decision to stay.
fuck.
tim sings, "who am i if i'm alone? i hardly exist at all."
he says, "we'll live happily ever after."
i disagree.
fuck.
my hands are shaking. my eyes are burning. my head is pounding.
fuck.
i don't even want to dream. not tonight. not tomorrow.
i want to hide.
to disappear.
to fall.
shut the fuck up.
it's my turn.

bragging on myself

2005-04-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

there aren't too many times that i am truly proud of myself, proud of my accomplishments. sure, i'll be happy and feel satisfied with a job well done. but it is rare that i feel proud. on tuesday, my entire writing class critiqued my newest short story. and i would like to take a moment to write what they had to say:
"i want to start off by saying that i really, really, really liked your story. i think it is definitely one of the best we have read so far."
"i did enjoy your story and i don't casually hand out compliments in that fashion."
"you do an excellent job of developing real, believable, and likeable characters! i was especially struck by the natural dialogue."
"this story was GREAT; i think you've really done an excellent job here."
"your story may be one of the best written stories i have read in a long time."
"i absolutely loved this story."
and my professor wrote:
"as usual, it is a great pleasure to read your writing. you are a very good writer--you have a way with very original details and quirks in your characters. i'm always drawn right in with your writing and get seduced by the rich detail and engaging prose...i really hope you keep writing (and i don't say that lightly)."

i am really proud of myself.