my hand raised

here goes nothing...or maybe everything.

i originally stopped blogging for fear of honesty. i felt that if i could not write honestly, i shouldn't write. this was my problem, i know. i was too afraid of what people might or might not think of me. so instead, i did not even give them the to chance to think one way or the other.

then i had a revelation, not to mention the assignment to blog, that there might possibly be people, whether in this class or elsewhere, who might think exactly like me. i am not naive. i know this won't happen all the time. so when did i come to this conclusion? and how?

tuesday evening i went to my first christian ethics class. okay, i know what your thinking: yikes, christian ethics. and yes, i agree. as part of my religion minor, i need this class and have not been looking forward to it. i do consider myself a christian--i go to church and have led bible studies--but i am what you would call a liberal christian. as i entered this once-a-week-please-someone-not-be-a-bible-thumping-christian class, my worse thoughts were, in my mind, confirmed. looking around, i judged my classmates as if they were judging me, and i immediately started planning my escape route. not speaking even one word but recognizing several faces, i came to the conclusion that if i stayed in this class i would be the poor-lost-soul-spending-her-eternity-in-the-fiery-pits-of-hell girl. needless to say, that can hurt a person's self-esteem. the class stretched on through the evening, and although my prof was kind and interesting, i was determined to drop his class. i felt that dropping this class was for my own mental health. i can't argue against a room full of those people. do you see the hypocrisy?

towards the final minutes of the eternity long--two hours and forty minutes--class, my prof handed out a survey: what do you think about this or that topic--ranging from premarital sex to child abuse to marijuana use. then to my horror, before God and this damning congregation, i had to raise my hand and vote. "be proud of your answers," my prof said. "the way you feel will come out eventually." so, what could i do but raise my hand?

and to my surprise, a miracle. in beasley hall room 109, i raised my hand and was in awe as other students raised their hands at the same time. they agreed with me?!? okay, not all. but there were some. i felt...well, i felt...honest. and i was even a little proud. i raised my hand and was not stoned out of the classroom. i raised my hand and came to the conclusion: people will not always understand me; people will think i am weird; some people might even pray for my lost soul. but it will never be my problem as long as i raise my hand.

so from now on, consider my hand raised.