realization: the rejection factor

after days--well, really, years--of this pain-in-the-stomach-self-destructive-psychotic behavior, i came to a quite interesting realization last night as i, yet again, found it impossible to fall asleep: i am terrified of rejection. out of all my many fears, rejection is at the top of that list. it is probably on its own piece of paper and everything. and it is possible to link every crazy thought my head produces and every silly act i commit to this fear. i could unhealthily recall times and places when i have been rejected--going back as far as preschool. and i have realized that i have continued to carry these things with me--adding to the mountain ever so often. and all this rejection, the rejection every one experiences in their life, i just can't let it go. and to avoid more rejection, i push people away, i quit, i make an excuse (i am not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, not compassionate enough, and so on).

and this realization completely explains why i doubt people want to spend time with me, when there is a record player running through the list of people who have chosen not to. it explains why i have been having such i hard time the last few months: between feeling like no one wants to hire me, a friend who can't make an effort to continue to know me, a boy who reminded me of someone i wish i could forget who i now think of more than i have in last four years, no wonder i am panicked and stressed out. it is all rejection. and so i prepare for more rejection, pushing people and plans and things away, even when i don't want to, even when it causes me to become physically ill.

so what do i do now? i have had this realization. so how do i change? how do i let the past go? how do i stop carrying around all the past rejection? how do i start trusting that not everyone will eventually walk away?

how do i convince myself that i am someone that is worth sticking around for?