secrets

after hearing on npr about postsecret, i have been thinking about secrets ever since. i've tried to recount all the secrets i hold onto, maybe i always will hold onto them. and then i wondered, why? why do i hold onto these things and guard them with my life? because usually when i tell a secret, there is no relief. there is only vulnerability. it makes me sick to my stomach. i can't sleep that night, usually not for a few nights thereafter. but then, do i have power over my secrets or do they have power over me? i am sure it is the latter. so why is not freeing to share these secrets? maybe i am ashamed. maybe i am scared others will think awful things about me--that i am selfish, disgusting, weird, unhappy, happy, hopeless, hopeful, afraid. it would be nice to write a few down and send my secrets to the world. but even anonymously, i am not sure if i could really do it. maybe simply saying them out loud or writing them down make my secrets true. and usually, i wish my secrets weren't my own. it's too honest.