monday night

i am uncomfortable.
i feel gross and nasty and unworthy and confused and hurt and ugly. really ugly.
i went to church yesterday. why is it always the last place i find God?
i have a problem. that's the first step, right? admitting there is a problem.
fuck.
i need to get my hair trimmed.
i am obsessed with "the west wing." it is on the bravo channel almost every day.
i need to punch someone. or many someones.
the puppy is bigger now. she is silly and annoying at times and bites hard, but i love her, especially when she is sleeping peacefully on my lap.
my brother is my hero.
i am disappointed when i wake up in the morning.
i wish i could crack open a fortune cookie and the little strip of paper with tiny red words would answer my questions, solve my problems.
this would be the time to disappear. when i have already disappointed everyone. when i have already let people down. when accountability has almost disappeared. this would be the time to jump on a plane and fly away.
i am holding my breath.