the two lindsays

i have realized tonight that there are two lindsays. two distinct lindsays sharing this one body, this one life. not in the schizophrenic-hurry-lock-her-in-a-padded-room-right-away kind of way. but in a...a...well...i don't know...just in a different way. both have different dreams. different wishes. different desires. for example, one wants to jump around and swim lots and lots of laps and the other wants to pull the covers over her head and fall asleep. one wants to travel the world and the other wants to settle down in the comfort of family and friends. and these lindsays fight for control. sometimes they change power from one moment to the next and back again. and i wonder, how can i possibly contain and fulfill the wishes of both lindsays? i fear that one lindsay is the lindsay i am and the other is the lindsay i want to be. if that is the case, i don't know if i will ever be satisfied. ha, something the lindsays have in common: fear. the fear that they will always be afraid. what's that quote about courage? it's something like...courage is having fear and still acting despite the fear. so that means sometimes the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning is a courageous act for me. sometimes letting someone give me a hug is courageous. i have never really thought of love as a sign of courage. but how can it not be?

to sarah and richard, cheers to your courage. i love you both dearly. congratulations on your oh so happy engagement.