God's plan

tonight at stephani's graduation party, her mom asked about my plans once i graduate in august. it is the most commonly asked question right now, so i have an almost robotic response--i give the highlights with a fake excitement to hide my terrified-i-don't-want-to-grow-up-don't-make-me state. then stephani's mom told me about what she ended up doing after college and how she met stephani's dad. she said the pieces just fell into place. everything fit together perfectly. and when she said that, i thought, i have no idea what that feels like. but i am not sure if that is really true. but in terms of being able to look back on your life and say, oh, that's what God had planned. or, oh, that makes perfect sense. i just haven't seen it. i know i am supposed to be this person right now. i get that. i get that i am supposed to meet people when i meet them, and say goodbye when it is time to say goodbye. but i don't get it. i don't see it. maybe i'm not supposed to. maybe i am supposed to have faith. but faith is hard right now. i have to trust. and i have trust issues.

and then i watch jaimie and josh. and i smile. maybe it's because i felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude for josh because he loves my sister, respects my sister, takes care of my sister. maybe it's because i had so much fun hanging out with them. but i smile. i really respect him. i respect him as a person. i respect him for the man he is and the man he wants to become. and i am really happy they are together--and probably will be for quite a long time.