home

i was only going to swim a 500 meter warm-up.
the chlorinated water sends goosebumps down my arms, down my legs.
cap covers my curls. goggles protect my soul.
push off the wall with force.
stream line.
dolphin kick. dolphin kick. dolphin kick. dolphin kick.
stroke. kick. stroke. kick. stroke.
breathe in through the mouth.
slowly out through the nose.
i am at home.
i have always wanted to be a runner. which is ridiculous. i am a swimmer.
this is my home. i am safe. i am confident.
thoughts leave. just the sound of water.
flip turn.
my heart beats faster.
i pull myself through water that glides down the length of my body.
flip turn.
reach the 500 meter mark.
can't stop. flip turn. keep pulling. keep kicking. don't stop.
600 meters.
breathe in through the mouth.
breathe out through the nose.
700 meters.
kick. stroke. kick. stroke. kick. stroke.
home.
800 meters.
notice a man in the lane next to me.
i race him.
850 meters.
beat him.
easily.
900 meters.
pick up the pace. i am not going to stop. can't stop.
1000 meters.
twenty minutes.
but i can't stop.
1100 meters.
i remember when i was ten years old and my swim coach made me swim the 200m individual medley. i didn't want to. i was scared. i had to race against three boys. i was afraid i wouldn't make it. afraid i would lose. my coach made me. i started to cry on the starting block. my goggles fogged from tears. dove into the water. butterfly. backstroke. breaststroke. freestyle. finished. i won. i beat the three boys. i beat them. i remember i am strong. i remember how i can overcome fear. i remember i can win.
1200 meters.
my muscles aren't tired.
i have to keep going.
1300 meters.
flush my thoughts. drown my fears.
float on this high.
1400 meters.
kick harder. faster.
1500 meters.
breathe in through the mouth.
breathe out through the nose.
1650 meters. one mile marker.
keep going.
can't stop.
push it.
1700 meters.
second wind.
speed up.
pull with force.
1800 meters.
body in control.
mind is free.
1900 meters.
breathing every stroke.
lungs tired.
but i am not.
1950 meters.
one more.
kick. pull. kick. pull. kick. pull.
2000 meters. forty-five minutes.
finished. i stopped. wished i wasn't tired.
pulled for another 200 meters.
not wanting to leave. not wanting to get out.
but i have to get out. i can't live my life under water.
i remember my sister and i playing tea party at the bottom of our neighborhood pool when i was little.
i smile.
pull myself out of the water.