and maybe that's okay

i didn't go to class. i was so close. just a few steps away from the doors of reed hall and i turned around and walked to the library instead. i can't sit in a classroom for three hours. not with four hours of sleep. not with a heavy heart. not with an upset stomach. not with my head full of thoughts and yet, so empty of solutions.

i yelled at God last night on the way home from the park a bunch of friends were at to spend time with michael and denny before they leave the country. it was two in the morning. and i started yelling. well, first i sang at the top of my lungs. then i yelled. as tears rolled down my face, my glasses fogging from the hot salt water, i yelled. first in an angry, bitter kind of way. then in a confused way, in an i-want-to-believe-again kind of way. in a this-is-how-you-made-me-what-else-do-you-expect kind of way. in an i-deserve-nothing-and-want-more kind of way. in the park, my friends circled around michael and denny to pray for their summer mission trips. and as they bowed their heads, i wanted to step away. i didn't feel safe in this group of people who are supposedly my friends. i couldn't pray with them. i couldn't even bow my head because i didn't agree with what they were asking from God. of course, i want michael and denny kept safe. of course, i want them to learn and grow. but i couldn't even open my mouth when it was my turn in the circle to ask for that. because i wouldn't have been praying to God. i would have been praying to them--these people, these friends with bowed heads and closed eyes. and so, i just couldn't do it. there were hugs to follow the amens, and i played my part, stuck to my role. i couldn't leave fast enough.

fuck you. i don't need to be treated like crap. i do a fine enough job treating myself like crap. i don't need your help. but thanks anyway. this self deprecation. this self consciousness. this self loathing. oh, it's all me. i have mastered that game. twenty-two years and counting. so, who the hell are you? i want your attention, but i don't want it that bad. so, i guess i have grown up. i guess i do know when to walk away. i don't want to, but i now know when i should. you know, i'm a cool person. i'm a good person. i'm a loving person. i'm weird. and crazy. and loud. and sometimes i am sad and sometimes i am happy. i am passionate. and i am strong. and i love to laugh. and love to smile. and i am loved. but maybe you don't know that. maybe you don't. and maybe that's okay.