every night, every morning

every night as i wait to fall asleep, i am overwhelmed with a sense of hope. i make a list of all the goals i will accomplish the next day. i tell myself i will be a better person. a stronger person. i even talk to God. thank God. try to listen to what God has to say. i become giddy in this idea of a new beginning. of an entire night of rest preparing me for this new start.

every morning when my alarm wakes me up or when i naturally rise, i am overwhelmed with this sense of dread. i make a list of all the things i have to accomplish, when i just want to stay in bed. and hide. and dream. the reality sets in that i am not a better person and i don't have the strength to try. i curse the sun. i curse God. i'd rather close my eyes and dream my life away. at least in dreams i am happy. i am free. i am the person i want to be. i am not afraid. of an entire day of noise begging me not to press restart.