a blur

eyes are sleepy. want. to. close. them. must. stay. awake. a. few. more. hours. not pathetic. not. pathetic.

where did all my friends go? i think they should all come back. today i thought how interesting it would be to map the location of all my friends and myself to clearly show how everyone is everywhere and i am stuck in fort worth. sarah--indiana. richard--nicaragua. abby--nebraska. stephani--florida. rachael--washington d.c. brett--ohio. carl--louisiana. michael--macedonia. me--alone in fort worth. blah.

i have made some life-altering decisions this week, but i'm not ready to talk/write about them just yet. hence the lack of blogging.

abby called the other night and left a message saying, "i have so much to tell you, so much has been going on." she sounded really happy. i think there is a boy.

swimming update: yesterday i swam a 3000m in one hour and three minutes. not bad. not great. but not bad.

i sit in tucker technology building every monday, wednesday, and friday and read between my classes. and every time i wish sarah, richard, and brett were sitting with me like they did all last semester. sometimes i even look up from my book to see if they're coming.

i had this crazy dream last night (i know, what else is new?). people were diving off this really high diving platform into a lake. i walked up to the platform after watching friends dive off, after judging my friends' dives. but when i got to the top, i couldn't dive in. i was too scared. i thought they would judge me too. i thought my dive wouldn't be as good as their dives. finally, i dove in. and my body went deep into the murky water, scraping against the lake's bottom. i kicked and pulled my way to the surface. i was so proud that i dove off the high platform, but them someone said, "no, you didn't dive at the height we all did. we put the platform down to a lower level." as i treaded water, my face fell. i felt foolish. i felt like a baby. i felt like a loser--a feeling i despise.

when is it too early to go to bed?