decisions

i have decided that i will no longer be self-deprecating. i will refrain from calling myself or thinking negative words and phrases. and this is why: it is a lose-lose situation. first, it is hard for me to like myself and take care of myself when i am constantly putting myself down. not healthy. not healthy at all. second, i think people assume when i say negative things about myself that i am actually doing so to have affirmation in whatever it is i am negatively pointing out. in truth, i don't want affirmation and when i do get it, i don't believe it anyways.

i have decided that i will no longer apologize for what i say. i mean sure, if i hurt someone's feelings i will apologize for hurting that person's feelings, but what i say rarely, if ever, is said to hurt someone (i just think those things, not say them out loud). what ends up happening on a pretty regular basis then is that i am apologizing for being me (if that makes sense). when i say something random or out of place, sometimes i'm like "sorry. ignore me." but i am random and out of place (note: this is not putting myself down but accurately describing my weirdness, which i do indeed like about myself). or when i ask a question that i want to know the answer to, i won't apologize for asking. if that person doesn't want to answer, they don't have to answer. i don't answer every question i am asked, and i am never insulted when someone takes a "pass" on a question i ask. i mean, i am nosy, but i do respect privacy (note: again, not an insult, just the truth about myself).

i have decided that i am going to swim two miles (3300m) in one hour. i came to this conclusion yesterday after swimming a 2500m in fifty minutes. but this was only week one back in the water, so i have complete faith that this goal can be reached. i am quite excited actually.