it terrifies me

it terrifies me that you are reading this.
it terrifies me that you're not.
that i can't fake it anymore.
that this is it.
that i lost.
that maybe i'll never win.
that life would go on.
that no one would notice.
that they would.
that i am losing control.
that maybe i never had it.
that i hurt myself.
that i believe the lies.
that i forget they're lies.
that you make me happy.
that i just want to sleep. and sleep. and sleep.
that i can't escape.
that i could.
that maybe i was wrong.
that i was right.
that maybe i deserve better.
that i have fooled you all.
that i will never talk to you again.
that i picture it.
that i pray for it.
that i beg and plead and cry for it.
that i thank You for not listening.
that i am too much.
that i am too little.
it terrifies me that you are reading this.
it terrifies me that you're not.