i am laughing just because.

snobbery. it is something i ponder quite regularly--thankfully in phases, but unfortunately the subject is presently on my mind. is it possible to be a better person due to snobbery? i always feel that in order to go against the flow i have to feel superior to the fish swimming down stream. i have to feel that i am right and they are wrong. if not, if i don't feel superior, feel right, feel empowered by such superiority, it is hard for me to do anything but follow the same ol' path as those in front of me. is that so wrong? does that make me a bad person? arrogant? selfish? there is this book by joseph epstein i constantly pick up at bookstores but never seem to buy. it is called snobbery: the american version. and among the lists of different types of snobs mentioned in the book, i am sure i am among them. and yet, i have never read enough to clearly identify what kind of snob i would be. but at least i know that i am not alone. but i am not quite sure if that is a good or bad thing.

while i was in austin at a grant writing workshop, i got to hang out with audra one evening. i love that our friendship is so secure that we can go without talking for a couple of months and are still able to have a great time when we are given the chance to spend time together. hopefully it won't be months before i talk to that girl again.

i am jealous. isn't that sick? i am actually jealous. definitely sick.

sometimes all you can do is laugh. laugh at your memories. laugh at your bad days. laugh at your failures. laugh at your wishes. because if you don't laugh, you will probably cry. and it is just too beautiful outside today to cry.

the two lindsays

i have realized tonight that there are two lindsays. two distinct lindsays sharing this one body, this one life. not in the schizophrenic-hurry-lock-her-in-a-padded-room-right-away kind of way. but in a...a...well...i don't know...just in a different way. both have different dreams. different wishes. different desires. for example, one wants to jump around and swim lots and lots of laps and the other wants to pull the covers over her head and fall asleep. one wants to travel the world and the other wants to settle down in the comfort of family and friends. and these lindsays fight for control. sometimes they change power from one moment to the next and back again. and i wonder, how can i possibly contain and fulfill the wishes of both lindsays? i fear that one lindsay is the lindsay i am and the other is the lindsay i want to be. if that is the case, i don't know if i will ever be satisfied. ha, something the lindsays have in common: fear. the fear that they will always be afraid. what's that quote about courage? it's something like...courage is having fear and still acting despite the fear. so that means sometimes the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning is a courageous act for me. sometimes letting someone give me a hug is courageous. i have never really thought of love as a sign of courage. but how can it not be?

to sarah and richard, cheers to your courage. i love you both dearly. congratulations on your oh so happy engagement.