Thursday, January 26, 2006

week under water

again, i thought i wasn't going to blog anymore. and again, here i am writing.
i smell like chlorine.
i have met a lot of new friends this week. some are short and some are even shorter. one is a hispanic woman in her fifties with bright red hair and seven sons. one is a man who lives from paycheck to paycheck who likes to tell drunk neighbor stories and enjoys burping. one is a woman who compares dating to reading (but i am not completely sure why) and she has a tattoo of waves around her thigh and likes to tell stories about her psychotic ex-girlfriends. one is a tall, young, asian man who walks out with me every night and shows me the bamboo growing outside the building and we fight over the time sheet and watch out for flying tennis balls. there are others. the girls at the front desk who smile and yawn and smile some more. the girls who lifeguard and complain about being hot. and then, once again, there are my short friends and my even shorter friends, all of whom complain about being cold.
i have spent over thirty hours in water this week.
did i mention how i smell like chlorine?

Saturday, January 21, 2006

but in a good way

my eyes are sleepy.
now, i am the wimp.
the thing about work is that it is quite exhausting, but in a good way.
just like people say i am weird, but in a good way.

i wish friends understood.
it wasn't that many days ago. and now, the change.
i wish they got it.

audra wanted to celebrate with me.

i need to learn how to not apologize for my life and the way i choose to live it.
i need to be proud of who i am and the skills and qualities i do have.

not any ol' person could do this. not any ol' person could excel at this.

it doesn't make me lame or stupid or boring or unaccomplished.
i am just not you.

i hate that there is this rain on my parade.
i hate that i just used a cliche.

my muscles need to stretch.
yoga, here i come.
the thing about silence is that it is quite distracting, but in a good way.
the peace is addicting, definitely in a good way.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

today.

job.
happy.
relieved.
audra.
treadmill.
talk. talk. talk.
training.
children.
pool.
path.
see the light.
i think i can. i think i can. i think i can.
money.
goals.
positive.
future.
dreams.
silly me. silly me. silly me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

not great, but not so bad

so i had a bad day. and then another. and another. and another. and another.
and then a day finally came when it wasn't so bad.
today my sister, mom, and i were startled when we witnessed a blimp flying over our backyard. a big one. and extremely low. and it had "outback" stretched across its side. before today, i never realized how funny blimps actually are. i like blimps.
i like yoga, too.
and high school talent shows.
i like my new friend--koala mitch.
and walking when i am talking on the phone.
i like my brown shoes with pink polka dots.
and chocolate chip cookies.

i don't know if i should send something. i don't think i have anything to say. i think i said it all. and it wasn't received well.
a lot of friends in love.
it's tiring to be happy for them all the time, when i feel so unloved.
b12.
flaxseed.
st. john's wort.
no drugs.
no doctors.
blah on drugs and doctors.
i have trust issues. you know, the i-have-a-hard-time-trusting-you sort.
i have self-worth issues. you know, the self-worthless sort.
he or she wouldn't say anything i don't already know.

i am a bfotb.
bfotb=best friend of the bride.
i am also a flwwngm.
i'll let you figure that one out for yourself.
i fold down the corners of the pages i like. if i could have one wish come true, it would be to do more than fold down the corners of pages.
imagination is my best friend. and my worst enemy.
so is the lie.
so is the pinch of hope continuously haunting my waking moments.
that last sentence was a wee bit over-dramatic--even for my taste.
i didn't think i was going to blog anymore. but i guess i am.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

the music montage

the music montage has ruined my life. i sit waiting. waiting for the music to begin, so that time passes. so that the hard times fly quickly and harmoniously away. so that highlights of my small, but steady successes are briefly shown on the way. the moments of loneliness are expressed only by the sad melody and whispered lyrics. the pains of struggle are blinded by the electric guitar and encouraging chorus. but there is no song. no fast forward. no quickened pace. no underlining beat. there is just silence. and the disappoint in knowing something exists--but only on a screen.