"because i'll be the one, be the one, be the one with my heart in my lap. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. and i wish i was the moon tonight."

honesty may in fact be the best policy.
i was tired of carrying the box, so i put it down.
i love little pussy (thank sarah for this one).
my family got a new puppy. i can't wait until tomorrow to see her.
neko case kicks ass.
my week long strike ended after three days. it was silly and psycho anyways.
i wonder when i will get my pool house. sarah? richard? at least, tell me in what cities i should be job searching.
it's really quite funny.
stephani owes me a dinner.
maybe i am gutsy. maybe i am brave. i think i like that.
you were so in the club. and i really don't let that many people in.
silence is not always golden.
there are too many trucks in texas.
six weeks and one day left of my college experience.
do you ever imagine your life as a movie?
maybe i will go write a song now.

my weekend sucked

now when i check my email and it is just a bunch of crap, i smile knowing stephani is going to owe me a dinner. this bet i will win.

my neck is sore from sleeping on it funny. every time i turn my head to my right, i have to grab onto my neck and take a deep breath to ease the pain. you would think after the first dozen or so sudden head movements to the right i would learn? but alas, nope, not even close. are you aware how often a person needs to look quickly to his or her right?

i just need to listen to more angry girl music. it's soothing.

"red fucking light."

it's amazing what forty-eight hours will do to a girl.

after three and a half weeks of tearless days and nights, i sobbed hysterically twice in one twenty-four hour period. congratulations to me.

i am sick of men, of mankind. emphasis on mankind. i quit. i give up. that's it. the end. for real. no joke.

i swam my two miles (3300m) in one hour and five minutes on saturday. it wasn't too hard--had a lot of frustration and anger to release. now i just need to cut off five minutes from my time. it will be hard--not impossible. maybe there are good benefits to someone pissing you off.

i should learn to let things go. i should learn not to take things personally. i should remember sarcasm isn't the healthiest defense mechanism. i should remember God is right.

p.s. warning: if you call me, chances are i am not going to answer. i need a little time.

voiceless

on the drive to houston, i saw a billboard that read: organ donors are better livers. i think the pun is intended...and quite disturbing.

it was the only reason i came back. i even left a few hours earlier than i had originally planned.

i am a selfish person. and i am so fucking sick of it. but is it even possible for a human to be fully selfless? is it possible to escape our selfish tendencies? i feel even my desire to be alive is rooted in selfishness. who am i to think i actually deserve or am worthy or have a grand purpose in being alive?

i am relieved no one took me up on my bet (see june 5th entry). i would owe someone one million dollars.

i need to stop watching soap operas. but it is so hard. where else would you hear someone say, "you are the one who lured him here with your stupid amnesia"? seriously, they really said that.

pre-talking to sarah: day was a day; borderline negative attitude; a shade lighter than pitiful. post-talking to sarah: smiling; sighs from being understood; looking forward to talking to her tomorrow.

give me an "o."

i wonder if somewhere amongst the heavens there is a large glass bowl filled with all the wishes i have ever made. the birthday wishes entangled in candle smoke. the shooting star wishes glowing with silver tails. the futile wishes painted in vanity and dripped in jewels. the panicked wishes shaking with rapid heart beats and sweaty palms. the voiceless wishes silently begging, pleading and ashamed.

a blur

eyes are sleepy. want. to. close. them. must. stay. awake. a. few. more. hours. not pathetic. not. pathetic.

where did all my friends go? i think they should all come back. today i thought how interesting it would be to map the location of all my friends and myself to clearly show how everyone is everywhere and i am stuck in fort worth. sarah--indiana. richard--nicaragua. abby--nebraska. stephani--florida. rachael--washington d.c. brett--ohio. carl--louisiana. michael--macedonia. me--alone in fort worth. blah.

i have made some life-altering decisions this week, but i'm not ready to talk/write about them just yet. hence the lack of blogging.

abby called the other night and left a message saying, "i have so much to tell you, so much has been going on." she sounded really happy. i think there is a boy.

swimming update: yesterday i swam a 3000m in one hour and three minutes. not bad. not great. but not bad.

i sit in tucker technology building every monday, wednesday, and friday and read between my classes. and every time i wish sarah, richard, and brett were sitting with me like they did all last semester. sometimes i even look up from my book to see if they're coming.

i had this crazy dream last night (i know, what else is new?). people were diving off this really high diving platform into a lake. i walked up to the platform after watching friends dive off, after judging my friends' dives. but when i got to the top, i couldn't dive in. i was too scared. i thought they would judge me too. i thought my dive wouldn't be as good as their dives. finally, i dove in. and my body went deep into the murky water, scraping against the lake's bottom. i kicked and pulled my way to the surface. i was so proud that i dove off the high platform, but them someone said, "no, you didn't dive at the height we all did. we put the platform down to a lower level." as i treaded water, my face fell. i felt foolish. i felt like a baby. i felt like a loser--a feeling i despise.

when is it too early to go to bed?

decisions

i have decided that i will no longer be self-deprecating. i will refrain from calling myself or thinking negative words and phrases. and this is why: it is a lose-lose situation. first, it is hard for me to like myself and take care of myself when i am constantly putting myself down. not healthy. not healthy at all. second, i think people assume when i say negative things about myself that i am actually doing so to have affirmation in whatever it is i am negatively pointing out. in truth, i don't want affirmation and when i do get it, i don't believe it anyways.

i have decided that i will no longer apologize for what i say. i mean sure, if i hurt someone's feelings i will apologize for hurting that person's feelings, but what i say rarely, if ever, is said to hurt someone (i just think those things, not say them out loud). what ends up happening on a pretty regular basis then is that i am apologizing for being me (if that makes sense). when i say something random or out of place, sometimes i'm like "sorry. ignore me." but i am random and out of place (note: this is not putting myself down but accurately describing my weirdness, which i do indeed like about myself). or when i ask a question that i want to know the answer to, i won't apologize for asking. if that person doesn't want to answer, they don't have to answer. i don't answer every question i am asked, and i am never insulted when someone takes a "pass" on a question i ask. i mean, i am nosy, but i do respect privacy (note: again, not an insult, just the truth about myself).

i have decided that i am going to swim two miles (3300m) in one hour. i came to this conclusion yesterday after swimming a 2500m in fifty minutes. but this was only week one back in the water, so i have complete faith that this goal can be reached. i am quite excited actually.

notes from my day

i admire women who can walk around the women's locker room without clothes on. these are women without the hollywood ideal body, but they do it all the same. no inhibitions. simply, confidence.

my poetry professor helped me to realize today why i have been listening to so much bright eyes lately: in my patternless world and fears of a structureless future, i have been listening to the most patterned, structured music i know.

today in my film class, we watched frankenstein and halloween. and this is what i learned: never try to be God; always make sure you use a "normal" brain instead of an "abnormal" brain when creating a monster; if you are horny, you are going to die; if you don't wear a bra, you are going to die; never drop the weapon after assuming the masked villain is dead; turn on the freakin' lights; if you hear a noise, it's best not to search for the cause; if you are responsible, you will live.

on my way home from school, i saw a man talking on his cellphone. but he was being the responsible driver--he was using the headphone-thingy. but his hands weren't on the wheel, they were flying around telling a lively story. for some reason, i found it very endearing.

i wish friends would come back. i miss them.

place random but clever title here

this morning as i was putting on make-up at the rec center after my swim, a country song echoed through the tiled locker room. the woman sang a refrain with an alarming southern accent, "every time i think of cheatin', i just imagine you leavin'." and i wondered, how often does a person think about cheating on their significant other to provoke an entire song on the matter?

emails from friends equals a happy heart.

instead of writing my still unwritten poetry paper that is due tomorrow, i read a book for enjoyment in my aunt's backyard in the blaring sun. so now, i have quite a bit more freckles. welcome to the party, gang. i have always liked freckles. they are kisses from the sun. my dad says, "they are cancer in the making."

i find it disturbing how chlorine is able to withstand soap. i should smell like soap. clean. fresh. but instead i still smell like chlorine. mmm, sexy.

i have been listening to a lot of bright eyes. so much so that in my head the lyrics and instruments and pretty average melodies are rolling around in my head making it hard to distinguish one song from the next. i am not sure what this says about my mood. with other bands, i can wholly pinpoint my emotion by what is on my stereo. for example, the good life means (usually not always, of course) that i feel lonely and am fighting the societal pressure that i need to have a love interest in my life to be completed. or another, mates of state means i am either extremely happy or i want to be extremely happy but presently not. but with bright eyes, it's hard to say. maybe i am trying to figure things out, work things through. and maybe listening to someone trying to do the same thing is soothing. maybe that's it.

home

i was only going to swim a 500 meter warm-up.
the chlorinated water sends goosebumps down my arms, down my legs.
cap covers my curls. goggles protect my soul.
push off the wall with force.
stream line.
dolphin kick. dolphin kick. dolphin kick. dolphin kick.
stroke. kick. stroke. kick. stroke.
breathe in through the mouth.
slowly out through the nose.
i am at home.
i have always wanted to be a runner. which is ridiculous. i am a swimmer.
this is my home. i am safe. i am confident.
thoughts leave. just the sound of water.
flip turn.
my heart beats faster.
i pull myself through water that glides down the length of my body.
flip turn.
reach the 500 meter mark.
can't stop. flip turn. keep pulling. keep kicking. don't stop.
600 meters.
breathe in through the mouth.
breathe out through the nose.
700 meters.
kick. stroke. kick. stroke. kick. stroke.
home.
800 meters.
notice a man in the lane next to me.
i race him.
850 meters.
beat him.
easily.
900 meters.
pick up the pace. i am not going to stop. can't stop.
1000 meters.
twenty minutes.
but i can't stop.
1100 meters.
i remember when i was ten years old and my swim coach made me swim the 200m individual medley. i didn't want to. i was scared. i had to race against three boys. i was afraid i wouldn't make it. afraid i would lose. my coach made me. i started to cry on the starting block. my goggles fogged from tears. dove into the water. butterfly. backstroke. breaststroke. freestyle. finished. i won. i beat the three boys. i beat them. i remember i am strong. i remember how i can overcome fear. i remember i can win.
1200 meters.
my muscles aren't tired.
i have to keep going.
1300 meters.
flush my thoughts. drown my fears.
float on this high.
1400 meters.
kick harder. faster.
1500 meters.
breathe in through the mouth.
breathe out through the nose.
1650 meters. one mile marker.
keep going.
can't stop.
push it.
1700 meters.
second wind.
speed up.
pull with force.
1800 meters.
body in control.
mind is free.
1900 meters.
breathing every stroke.
lungs tired.
but i am not.
1950 meters.
one more.
kick. pull. kick. pull. kick. pull.
2000 meters. forty-five minutes.
finished. i stopped. wished i wasn't tired.
pulled for another 200 meters.
not wanting to leave. not wanting to get out.
but i have to get out. i can't live my life under water.
i remember my sister and i playing tea party at the bottom of our neighborhood pool when i was little.
i smile.
pull myself out of the water.

thoughts i am trying to get rid of

what if i pulled a felicity and followed a guy i don't know across the country?
i can spend the rest of my life alone. i just don't want to.
i wonder if desperation is of God or the devil.
i start two new classes tomorrow.
i am afraid of what i will find in england. i am afraid of what i will leave behind.
don't die.
i am scared richard is right.
i am tired of chasing. i just want to stand still.
i should take a nap.
i should take a shower.
i would get married tomorrow if someone promised to take care of me. and that scares the shit out of me.
i should go play the piano and sing.
i don't want a spiritual leader.
i wish it wasn't always all or nothing with me. i wish i wasn't so passionate. so spirited.
i wish i didn't think so much.
average. normal. yep, that's what i want to be. boring. that would work too.
i bet you a million dollars i won't get a phone call. one million.
i want to say the thunderstorm woke me up last night. but really, it just kept me company.

memorial day weekend

sarah pointed out to me that if someone read my blog that didn't know me outside of these entries, i would appear to be quite unhappy person. and although i have my unhappy moments (and i hope i just have the average amount, but then again, when have i ever been average?), i believe i am happy the majority of the time. stressed out, sure. frustrated, quite regularly. but happy none the less. so here is my list of highs from my memorial day weekend.

listening to good music all the way to austin--and not even caring i went the long way that added over an hour to my driving time by sitting in traffic.
talking and laughing and receiving hugs from my family.
sitting on the huge porch of my grandparents house looking out over lake travis and the hill country.
walking down to the marina in the rain.
playing keep away in lake travis with a ridiculously huge beach ball.
treading water with my brother as my dad, mom, and josh dropped my sister off at shore so she could go number two behind a bush.
closing my eyes and soaking up the warm sun. my cheeks are now pink.
watching how much my parents love each other.
staying up with my brother and laughing as we came up with random phrases we should put on t-shirts.
hearing my mom say, "i wish you were coming home with us."
driving back to fort worth in time to take part in sliding down an enormous blow up slide into a pool of water with my cousins and their kids.
talking to abby and finding out she now has a cell phone.
hannah sitting in my lap as the kids and i watched jimmy neutron.
stephani sitting on top of me so i wouldn't leave her house.
playing scrabble and talking to a friend.
playing an electronic basketball game thingy and beating a friend.
talking to sarah on the telephone.
a cook out with friends.
making up the green ball game and knowing how good of friends i have when rachael and chris humored me by playing it.
stephani and i kicking ass at the newly wed game.
playing four on the couch until three in the morning.