better

better. much better.
rita did not blow my house down.
fort worth tomorrow. many kisses for lucy. hugs all around.
quite a few phone conversations the last few days.
an email here and there.
a new list created: what i want to accomplish before i am thirty.
more resumes sent.
a puppy trying to eat my colored lip gloss ends up looking like she put the lip gloss on instead. it was a good color for her.
no sodas today. i did it cold turkey. no patch. no nothing. well, tea. a lot of tea.
sigh of relief.
you know, God does really know what's best. why is that so easy to forget?
i still need to get my hair trimmed.
yes, much better.

monday night

i am uncomfortable.
i feel gross and nasty and unworthy and confused and hurt and ugly. really ugly.
i went to church yesterday. why is it always the last place i find God?
i have a problem. that's the first step, right? admitting there is a problem.
fuck.
i need to get my hair trimmed.
i am obsessed with "the west wing." it is on the bravo channel almost every day.
i need to punch someone. or many someones.
the puppy is bigger now. she is silly and annoying at times and bites hard, but i love her, especially when she is sleeping peacefully on my lap.
my brother is my hero.
i am disappointed when i wake up in the morning.
i wish i could crack open a fortune cookie and the little strip of paper with tiny red words would answer my questions, solve my problems.
this would be the time to disappear. when i have already disappointed everyone. when i have already let people down. when accountability has almost disappeared. this would be the time to jump on a plane and fly away.
i am holding my breath.

yawn

yawn.
i refused to put on makeup today.
emails to reply to, phone calls to return...and yet, nothing i want to say, nothing really to say.
i have a lot of mosquito bites. i do not like bugs that suck your blood.
a hint of a headache.
bath tub calling my name.
i have never felt so lost and so found.
yawn. causes my eyes to water.
maybe i should just get on a plane and figure it all out when i get there.
two weeks and three days.
a few more conclusions.
sleep is easy these days. dreams of my days have stopped. just sleep.
yawn.
but it is never enough. i am always sleepy.

too little words in the english language

i can't sort enough clothes. i can't make enough peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. i can't give enough hugs. i can't listen to enough heart-wrenching stories. i can't tickle enough little kids. i can't chase enough kids. i can't listen enough to the sound of laughter. i can't unload enough vehicles with supplies--food, clothing, toys. i can't make enough funny faces, make enough funny noises. i can't cry enough when they, too, are crying. i can't see enough little smiles when i walk into the room. i can't feed enough people. i can't find enough hours in the day to sleep, when so many people are without beds.

oh the stories i have heard in the last four days. it brings tears to my eyes even now. to have stories told to me. to have men and women look into my eyes and tell me their tales. i will never be the same. and this goes without saying: they will never be the same.

the joy. oh the joy i have seen in the last four days. amongst the tears and the pain and the fear, there is the purest joy i have ever witnessed. the joy of a pair of shoes. the joy of a car seat for a seven month old baby boy named christian. the joy of a new two bedroom apartment for a family of eight after sleeping two nights in their four door saturn--all eight of them. the joy of a new stuffed animal--her only one now. the joy of running around on a playground outside. the joy of a hot meal. the joy, my joy, of a two and a half your old, my new friend tre, taking my hand and dragging me away saying, "miss lindsay play with me at park. park. park. please, park."

this, i was made to do. and i will wake up tomorrow and go and do it again. and again. and again. until there isn't anything left in my power to do.

praise God for inhuman strength in my poor, human body. praise God that sleep is an after thought. praise God for placing incredible, strong, brave men, women, and children in my life. for opening my eyes, for giving me a little shake, for the encouragement to keep going, and the patience to know i can't do everything--that i am small, but God is so big.