sigh

today, rather this week, is a sighing sort of week. this may sound strange to some, but there are times when i forget to breathe. i will be walking or thinking or reading or nothing at all and i will forget to breathe. i will hold the air in my lungs and forget to exhale. luckily, my body takes over and pushes the air out of my lungs and it comes out as a sigh. i am not sure why i do this some times and not other times. but i fear one of the days i might pass out. i never know how long i have actually been holding my breath, when my body screams for me to let it out. my mom tells me that when i was a baby and i would get so upset that i would hold my breath in protest. i would actually turn red in the face before my mom would make me breathe. wow, issues at before i turned one, i am special. but now, i am not protesting anything. maybe i am stressed or maybe i am just weird. or maybe i am subconsciously trying to improve my lung capacity. yeah, maybe that's it.

frequently asked questions

question: how are you doing?
answer: my usual response is "i am well, thank you." i answer this way whether i am well or not, because i am usually answering this question in response to a person walking quickly past me. and it annoys the shit out of me. you don't really want to know how i am. if you did, you would slow down, maybe even stop (whoa, that's an idea), and wait for a response. what if today was the day my sky was falling? what if today was the day death was knocking at my door? okay, i am being a little over dramatic, but seriously, how would you know if you didn't even stop? and the thing is, i don't usually want to stop either, but i don't ask how you are. if i do, it is because i want to know. if i do, i will stop and wait for your response. otherwise, "hello," "good morning," and "good to see you" are perfectly friendly greetings without any further commitment. you can keep on walking.

question: is your hair natural?
answer: yes, my curly, red (don't say orange) hair is natural. it has been this way since birth. people usually follow up with "do you like your hair?" well, some days no and some days yes, but normally, i don't think about it one way or the other. for the record, i don't have as much fun; i am stubborn as hell; and i feel 20% more pain.

question: if you could have one super power, what would it be?
answer: you would be surprised if you knew how many times i have been asked this question. i think it is due to those stupid survey emails people send around. so, to all who want to know, i will tell you now, so don't send those surveys anymore. if i could have one super power, it would be to fly. "why?" you wonder. well, i could be incredibly deep and tell you that the reason i want to fly is to escape the hardships i have been subject to since in my mother's cocaine enriched womb. i could tell you that. it would be a lie, but i could tell you. in reality, there is no deep reason why i would like to fly. i think it would just be freakin' cool.

question: why are you a vegetarian?
answer: well thank you for asking, (your name here). after some reading, viewing, and (surprise, surprise) thinking, i feel it is unethical to mass produce and consume animals. not even getting into animal rights, the mass production of animals leads to pollution and it includes feeding food to animals that could feed every starving person on this earth. in addition, there is an extremely high percentage of meat produced and consumed within the united states that contain "extra" chemicals and drugs, which could lead to cancer and other diseases. people always assume that because i don't eat meat must mean i just don't like it. but i do like it, i just choose not to eat it for prior reasons. if nothing else, know what you are eating--where is it from? who approved it? how was it grown or raised? your answers might be surprising.

question: what are you going to do with an english degree?
answer: hang it on the wall. but ask nicely and i will tell you where to shove your degree.

hypocritical me

my friend abby asks, "don't you just have days when every boy you see is cute?"
"no," i reply in a tone that i would never be one of those boy crazy girls--not that she is.
"well today i am having one of those days," she sighs.
a few days later, walking across campus on my way to my tiny apartment, i notice, in horror and with a laugh, i do have those days. every boy--tall or short, blond or brunette--is cute. it passes.

after a nice walk with my best friend debbie, i walk into my apartment and find my roommate and her boyfriend lying on the couch together. now i am not a fan of public displays of affection. holding hands, fine. hugging, fine. even quick kisses, fine. but groping, not so fine. tongues down throats, again, not so fine. those things should be done without an audience. now, granted, my roommate and her boyfriend were in our apartment, but when i entered and they began talking to me, i feel it became a semi-public place. they invited me to sit and watch television with them, and feeling like i tend to turn down my roommate's invites quite often, i agree. but as they both continued to converse with me, my roommate's boyfriend continued to rub her breast. i was not in the room for even ten minutes. couldn't the rubbing refrain for a little longer? now i--debbie assures me i am no prude--feel awkward and, frankly, disturbed. i tell them i have to read and quickly exit the room. who does that? who feels up their girlfriend with others in the room? who lets their boyfriend feel them up with their roommate in the room?

sometimes i feel like i want a significant other. which is odd because most times i don't think i ever want to get married. but then there are times when i am with debbie and thomas, my favorite married couple, or i listen to mates of state, and i think, maybe i do want that. maybe i do want to fall in love and commit a lifetime to a person. and i start to think that for the first time in my life i am happy with myself, and i love my life and the people in it. so, maybe i have grown up enough to be in a mature and healthy relationship. and i think, i have spent the last twenty-one years of my life trying to figure out who i am just so when that person does come into my life i will be able to tell him. sigh. but then, once again, it passes. maybe one day i will really, truly want someone to be spend the rest of my life with. but i know one thing for sure: you will never hear me sing bah bah, which is, in fact, the sound of settling (death cab for cutie).

the effects of a phd

every monday through friday i spend roughly eighteen hours in class. i take notes; i read the slides; i read the handouts; and yes, i listen. during this week, the fourth week of school for this semester, i was surprised to hear what some of my professors had to say. i, honestly, don't believe they think we are actually listening. or maybe the constant studying and paper writing our professors were tortured with during graduate school has now caused a severe case of...honesty. dear faculty and staff at texas christian university, we are listening...

"if a man and a woman were married in their mid-twenties and have been married now for fifty years, chances are they will face the challenge of sexual problems. well, except my marriage. my wife and i definitely don't have a problem having sex."
thought: uh, yuck. too much information from...anyone, let alone your professor.

"what if i said my wife is ugly? well, she could be ugly. God did create some ugly women."
thought: and He created some ungrateful men.

"would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug? well, would it?"
thought: yes. yes, it would.

sixth sense and a lot of lists

i am an anal person. this is no surprise to people who know me. and though i believe everyone, in some form or another, have anal qualities, sometimes i am amazed how weird mine are. for example, i always know if someone has touched my things or been in my room. always. my room could be a complete disaster and someone has just come in to borrow a pencil that was on my desk. they can use the pencil, return the pencil, never having touched another object, and i will know. friends at school and my family at home know this about me. yes, they agree it is weird, if not creepy. and i think they believe that sometimes they get away with it. friends and family, you don't. i just don't always mention it or ask about it, but i know. not that i care if someone has borrowed this or that, really i usually don't care at all. but i have this freaky sixth sense, if you will. or maybe i am just extremely anal about where my possessions are. yeah, maybe that.

another "special" behavior i have is keeping lists. some are written down, others are just rolling around in my head taking turns replaying over and over. i have a grocery list. i have a list of books i want to read. i have a list of books i have to read. i have a list of work i need to get done. i have list of work that will actually get done. i have a list of my goals this semester. i have a list of goals for my life. i have list of sets i want to swim. i have a list of my weekend activities. i have a birthday want list. i have a christmas want list. i have a list of things i should buy before my birthday and christmas. i have a list of movies i want to see. i have a list of friends to email, friends to call, and friends to go see. i have a list of spanish words to learn. and now, yes now, i have a list of lists.

a soldier, a golfer, and a snob walk into a bar...

the soldier. not too long ago, i was driving around the hulen mall area of fort worth--the continuous flow of traffic always reminds me of my hometown, houston. when i stopped at a red light, i allowed enough room for the eager cars to pull into the shopping center. my psychology teacher would tell you that this act of kindness is directly linked to the fact someone must have shown kindness to me, but at any rate, i did it. and then, the unexpected happened. as the white, pickup truck pulled in front of me to enter the shopping center, the white male driver, probably in his early thirties, paused to salute me. i didn't know how to react. are you supposed to salute back? i have never even been a girl scout. saluting just seemed wrong. it could even be insulting if i tried. and since when does kindness deserve an expression of patriotism? could not a universal smile have done the trick? what about the very american beauty queen wave? so, i just sat there. in my little, silver toyota echo, i sat and pondered this. well, until a not so unexpected, not so kind honk was heard from behind me. God bless america.

the golfer. as a rule, people have the strangest habits. but i have to say, in my opinion, the golf swing is by far the oddest. do you know these people? the ones who will mime the act of swinging a golf club and hitting a golf ball. they seem to be the average joe or jane until--and this is what makes this so weird--in the middle of a conversation, not even about golf, they start practicing their swing. they keep their arms straight, lift them together, look down at the ball, and swing. is the conversation so boring that they rather look like idiots swinging invisible golf clubs than to pay complete and total attention to what is being said? do these people have a golf tournament in the near future where they must practice during every waking hour? do they even play golf? and i must admit, it takes every ounce of my self control not to scream "fore."

the snob. that would be me. i am a snob. how so? well, it annoys me to no end when people don't think. a lot of this has to do with the fact that i cannot turn my brain off--as evident in the two prior paragraphs. i am constantly thinking about this issue or that issue, seemingly pointless occurrences or the strange habits of my fellow man and woman. i just don't understand how people can not think. i become so frustrated with my peers and even more frustrated with those older than me, which i believe should know better. think, people. and the thing is, i don't even care if you think differently than me. all i ask is for people to think about something--other than the party they are going to and the boy/girl they are or are not presently dating. ask questions and try to find or come up with answers. do you know what kerry and bush's stances are on homosexual marriage, the war in iraq, the environment, education, minimum versus living wages? do you know how they raise and kill the animals you will be eating later on today? do you know what events have made the world news today? do you know why, out of all the stories in the world, the network(s) chose those particular stories? thinking is a good thing, and knowing facts and having opinions is even better.

imaginary friend

clara, a twenty-year old young women, is listening to the yeah, yeah, yeahs and dancing around her bedroom, because it simply makes her happy. after much inner debate, clara decided to put off any formal higher education in the efforts to become self-schooled in this world we find ourselves living in. it is now eight o'clock in the morning in the small town of arcata, california. and after a long morning swim in the atlantic, clara quickly dresses in an old pair of blue jeans and two tank tops--one pink under one brown. grabbing the bag she made just a few weeks prior, she checks, then double checks, to make sure her current read food politics is somewhere between the mix of spf 30, loose change, and lost sand. throwing on flip-flops and turning off the music, she flies out the back door of the house, not too worried about waking up her house mates--four others in all. clara jumps on her bike and makes her way to wildberries market, where she plans to work the eight hour shift. then clara will be free to roam the town of arcata finding a new hiding place to read about the world, think about it, and then find friends to talk about it for even longer.

my hand raised

here goes nothing...or maybe everything.

i originally stopped blogging for fear of honesty. i felt that if i could not write honestly, i shouldn't write. this was my problem, i know. i was too afraid of what people might or might not think of me. so instead, i did not even give them the to chance to think one way or the other.

then i had a revelation, not to mention the assignment to blog, that there might possibly be people, whether in this class or elsewhere, who might think exactly like me. i am not naive. i know this won't happen all the time. so when did i come to this conclusion? and how?

tuesday evening i went to my first christian ethics class. okay, i know what your thinking: yikes, christian ethics. and yes, i agree. as part of my religion minor, i need this class and have not been looking forward to it. i do consider myself a christian--i go to church and have led bible studies--but i am what you would call a liberal christian. as i entered this once-a-week-please-someone-not-be-a-bible-thumping-christian class, my worse thoughts were, in my mind, confirmed. looking around, i judged my classmates as if they were judging me, and i immediately started planning my escape route. not speaking even one word but recognizing several faces, i came to the conclusion that if i stayed in this class i would be the poor-lost-soul-spending-her-eternity-in-the-fiery-pits-of-hell girl. needless to say, that can hurt a person's self-esteem. the class stretched on through the evening, and although my prof was kind and interesting, i was determined to drop his class. i felt that dropping this class was for my own mental health. i can't argue against a room full of those people. do you see the hypocrisy?

towards the final minutes of the eternity long--two hours and forty minutes--class, my prof handed out a survey: what do you think about this or that topic--ranging from premarital sex to child abuse to marijuana use. then to my horror, before God and this damning congregation, i had to raise my hand and vote. "be proud of your answers," my prof said. "the way you feel will come out eventually." so, what could i do but raise my hand?

and to my surprise, a miracle. in beasley hall room 109, i raised my hand and was in awe as other students raised their hands at the same time. they agreed with me?!? okay, not all. but there were some. i felt...well, i felt...honest. and i was even a little proud. i raised my hand and was not stoned out of the classroom. i raised my hand and came to the conclusion: people will not always understand me; people will think i am weird; some people might even pray for my lost soul. but it will never be my problem as long as i raise my hand.

so from now on, consider my hand raised.