since the last time we met...

last classes.
last exams.
degree in english.
hang out time with friends.
eye opening moments.
duh moments.
clarity.
tears.
singing rilo kiley with the girls.
magnets. gloves. purse. cool dot picture. cards. love.
party to celebrate my accomplishment.
goodbye to fort worth friends.
more tears.
slumber party with a best friend.
a lot of "the simple life."
laughter. a lot of laughter.
and cuddling. a lot of cuddling.
ticket to nyc.
a car, a plane, another plane, a shuttle, a train, another train, a subway, and a few blocks to see abby.
brooklyn. moma. central park. washington square park. union station. ice cream. bottle of wine. ted leo and the pharmacists. business idea. talks. great talks. stupid foot. beer and more beer. a guy named larry. an irish man by the name of jarleth. meals outside. dojos. dojos again. the n or the r. pier 17.
remembering how much i love new york city.
not feeling satisfied with a phone conversation.
flirting with a guy in the airport instead.
sitting next to a girl i went to high school with on the flight home.
feeling like no one gets it.
happy not to be there.
hard to talk. it's just weird.
missing abby.
endless internet searches.
liberty pooping on my clean clothes. i don't want a puppy now.
patrick (4) and andrew (2), with a broken arm and a little pig and a fat cat always in tow.
watching the incredibles three times within a twenty-four hour time period.
tonight's fortune cookie read, "you are good friend."

overall, i am good. happy. calm. a little tired. in need of a big shake. but...good. happy. calm.

accomplishments

i think i did it, kids. i passed the point. i peaked. i am now on the down slide of the stress mountain. after my meltdown (well, meltdowns), after a few panic attacks and one big one that scared me almost to death, after the wondering, after the disbelieving, after the self-doubt, after it all...i am calm, relaxed, and haven't cried in three days (yes, i know that is amazing).

yesterday, i swam my two miles (3300 meters) in under an hour--58:40 to be exact. impressed? i am quite pleased with myself. i was hauling ass, and i wasn't pissed off or anything--i was actually happy. it was my summer goal, and i accomplished it.

brett's in town for a few days, so i am hanging out with him tomorrow. that will be a nice celebration for finishing my macroeconomics class.

so i realized yesterday that i am graduating. i am going to graduate. i am going to be a college graduate. now, i am sure some of you are like, duh lindsay. but it wasn't until yesterday as i walked under a beautiful sunset-lit sky that i actually realized it was going to happen. that i actually was excited. that i was actually proud of myself for this accomplishment. it always takes me awhile, doesn't it?

p.s. to all who i owe a phone call, i am sorry, but i promise it isn't in the far too distant future. i am a free woman after friday. a free woman who will have plenty of time on her hand. and i really, really do want to talk to you all.

just a little saturday randomness

swimming helps me to clear my mind. only the sound of water. only the feeling of muscles working. of lungs pushing and pulling air in and out.

i am wearing a scarf in my hair that has bright, pretty flowers on it. the first time i wore this scarf debbie, abby, and i were going to see cursive--my second cursive show. do you remember that night, abby? sophomore year. listening to rilo kiley on our way to dallas. at trees. that psycho first band. the lead singer's fly was down. almost getting hit in the head by his flying microphone stand. then apple seed cast. cute bass player. competition for tim. you said he was too pretty boy for you. i agreed and happily claimed him--not too pretty boy for me. and then, tim. oh my tim. decided against the bass player. that was a fun night. and i shared it with two of my favorite women.

telephone calls at one in the morning because i can't sleep make me laugh. i did, in fact, eventually fall asleep--quite soon after actually. so thank you.

what is the deal with coca-cola zero? it is not quite coke, and it is not quite diet coke. it has a unique taste. and although i am not sure if i really like it, it has presently replaced diet pepsi from my daily caffeine intake.

hanging out with steph tonight. and we aren't going to spend any money. i feel like a good girl. i am not a good girl, but at least, i feel like one. i don't remember the last time stephani and i just hung out. i am rather looking forward to it.

oi. i just counted it out on my fingers. nine days left in fort worth. nine. days. left. crazy.

my ybba

email from a best friend in a very big city causes my eyes to water just a little. i had forgotten how much i miss her, how much i need her.
good advice: "but you have to keep your head and think about what is really important and if [it] is really worth investing your time in."
good to know: "i know i'm not there so i have a different view and i'm a bit biased since i sorta love you and all..."
good to remember: abby is only an email or phone call or spontaneous road trip or plane ticket away.

time to move on

for the first time, i am starting to realize that i do need to move on. it is time to go and see new things and meet new people. it is time to have a clean slate. it is time to make different impressions. it is time to grow-up. it is time to pop the bubble. it is time to get new perspectives. it is time to have new friends. to have new goals. to have a new average day.

everything just feels slightly off. conversations feel forced or completely unwanted. i am by myself mostly, but i don't feel lonely. i feel safe with only a few people, and even then, i don't really want to share much anymore. well, there are exceptions...

maybe i won't miss fort worth as much as i had originally thought. rachael helped me make a pro and con list for cities i am thinking of moving to. and i realized during this process, that no matter what--whether i stay in texas or not--i am leaving. it won't be the same. i am just no longer part of this college, tcu life. i am just an outsider, who will soon forget what is what like to go to classes everyday and stay up late working on papers and making runs to ihop at two in the morning and sitting on curbs and eating ice cream and pranking silly boys. soon i will forget all those feelings. and maybe that's okay.

"thought that i was young"

something has to change.
oh wait, everything is changing.
debbie says that i fear being weak. i think i fear other people seeing that i already am weak.
if i just ran away, it wouldn't solve my problems, but maybe i would at least be able to catch my breath before dealing with them.
"no pills for what i fear" sings neko case. and i agree. "this is crazy. i wish i was the moon tonight."
i think i am going to vomit.
there's no one. there's no one i want to call.
and i wipe tears from my eyes. and wrinkle up my forehead.
i won't let God be enough.